A Literary Dispute

This is not shaping up to be my week.

On Sunday I tried to be heroic and only succeeded in humiliating myself in front of Uncle Fish and the security staff at the Pagoda Hotel.  Now I find I am again in the maison de chien  despite the best of intentions. Oh, baby.

It started when I decided to send a gift to our two, beautiful, three-year-old grand babies. The twin girls live on the mainland so we see them far too infrequently.

I like sending surprise goodies to them. Sometimes I make it look like Max chooses the presents and writes the gift cards and that’s what got me in trouble this time.

Such a sweet puppy but he's caused me a boatload of trouble.

Note that this is a New York Times Best Seller. I mean, this is literature for crying out sideways!

I thought it would be good fun if Max sent the twins a couple volumes from the well known children’s series “Walter the Farting Dog“.

I mean, kids and adult men up to age 99 love a good fart story. I know I do.

I am pretty sure my son shares my appreciation of the genre. I am less certain about his delightful spouse’s taste in literature but I am hopeful.

However, I recently discovered that there are some women who do not share an appreciation for overt manifestations of flatulence. Is this common knowledge? Who knew this?

Well I know it now. I was treated to a master class on this topic over a meal of cold shoulder and tongue served by the Alpha Japanese Female who was horrified to learn that a) I purchased these books at all, and b) I had  them direct shipped from Amazon to the kids’ house thus forestalling any chance of correcting my grave misjudgment before it became public knowledge.

Government  issued protection from Walter.

Government issued protection from Walter.

I think what really curdled her miso soup was that I didn’t ask her wise counsel (“permission”) in advance.

I pointed out I used Amazon Prime so shipping was free but that did little to advance civility in the discussion.

My humorous gift card saying “Enjoy the books, smell ya later, Love from Max” did not go over well either.

The AJF said I needed to call my daughter in law and apologize in advance for what the little girls were about to receive. I drew a line in the sand on that.

I accept that it may not have been the world’s most tasteful present but I paid good money and those wee ones were getting farting dog stories whether Wifey liked it or not. “Like it or lump it,” I said sotto voce, emphasis on the sotto.

Well, that was a bad move and I now have a soul-deep understanding that I need to relocate the aforementioned line in the sand.

This is me fighting over principle with the Alpha Japanese Female.

This is me “compromising” with the AJF

Our compromise (see photo, right) was that I would provide a fair warning to our son and his wife and let them decide if the materials were appropriate for their offspring.

I’m not too worried. My kid grew up blaming suspicious backfires on the elusive Hawaiian Barking Spider. He knows his stuff.

At worst, I figure the bottom burp literature may cause a battle royal at their house but, hey, I’ll be off the hook.

My only real regret was that I didn’t get the chance to read the series first. I should have gotten the Kindle version.

But let’s keep that between you and me.



9 replies

  1. Goodness…what is wrong with dog farts…apart from the smell, that is.
    Reassure your good lady that the children need to be exposed to the natural training of a life shared with animals which used to be the upbringing of the British aristocracy….whose farts are distinctly less acceptable than those of their horses and hounds.
    My dear old Batman used to rise from his bed and head off for pastures new leaving behind him a distinct smell of overcooked school canteen cabbage for the delectation of those left behind…


    • I was going to ask if your Batman left a symbol in the sky over Gotham after letting one rip but decided not to do that. Snorf.

      But you are absolutely correct that in this overly antiseptic, sterile world where we sanitize our hands at every chance it will do the girls good to learn the natural way of things. Besides, every 3 year old girl needs a good supply of fart jokes.


  2. I’d say that it was a very thoughtful gift. One must develop an appreciation for the finer things that life offers…and a tastefully done book about a farting dog is definitely a fine thing. I am on your side – you did the right thing.


    • You’re right, Bobby. It seems many females are surprised to see the words “tastefully” and “farting” in the same sentence. Thanks for the encouragement. I’ll keep your home address in a secret place so AJF doesn’t find it.


  3. I find that women are prone to fuss over things that require no fussing.
    Your ‘beloved’ and I use that word carefully, clearly has little understanding of children’s humour.
    Are you allowed out yet or are you confined to barracks?


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