Professor Max Explains It All

The Professor.

The Professor.

Welcome students!

Today’s topic: “Why are dogs called “man’s best friend?”

Clearly, it is because guys and dogs share so many characteristics.

Here is Maxwell’s top 20 list of what dogs and guys have in common.

I don’t want to hear much sass and backtalk about it.

Facts are facts, doncha know.


1. A dog is content to do absolutely nothing all day other than napping in an easy chair

2. Dogs don’t care if your favorite ball cap smells like summer in the cardio room at the Yuma Arizona branch of 24 Hour Fitness.

3. No matter how much you plead or connive, a dog will never go to Walgreens and purchase feminine hygiene products.

4. Dogs think watching football in one’s underwear whilst enjoying a beer and sandwich is a measure of efficiency, not slovenliness.

5. Dogs are inordinately interested in biological functions that offend the female of the species.

6. A dog will never vacuum the carpet. Never. In fact, a dog does not even understand how a vacuum works having never laid a paw on one.

7. Dogs do not remember key dates like anniversaries, birthdays, wedding days. They don’t buy cutesy-pie Hallmark cards and, if they did, they would be enraged by how much they cost.

8. Both come quickly when called to the dinner table. (There’s another comparison I could have made with that opening phrase, but I kept out of the gutter and so should you.)

9. A dog considers anything left in the middle of the floor to have been properly sorted, inspected and filed for future use.

10. Dogs never ask for directions. They will happily spin in circles.

11. Dogs are pathetically grateful when a female finally gives them a treat.

12. Quantity often wins over quality when food is the subject.

13. Dogs bark loudest just before they roll over and show their bellies in abject surrender.

14. Any tree can serve as a convenient spot for bladder relief.

15. No dog anywhere has ever felt comfortable walking into a bar and ordering “a draft, a shot of Jack, and a Pink Squirrel for her”.

16. Dogs would rather roll in a puddle of poo than go to see the doctor.

17. Dogs’ emotions are stunted. A request for a dog to share its feelings is futile unless that request also involves humping a leg or eating, in which case a dog can be most expressive.

18. Sometimes a short leash and loud commands are required to control a dog that persists in sniffing a dog of the opposite gender.

19. You need to train them while they are young and enthusiastic. Old dogs are just too stuck in their ways and irritable.

20. The cuter they are, the more likely they will lack discipline and will end up spoiled.

Feel free to add your own keen observations. Next time, we’ll explore why cats are women’s best friend. That should get some bile spewing. Until then, aloha from Professor Max.

Oh man, that hat really does stink.

Whew, oh man, that ball cap really does stink.

17 replies

  1. I couldn’t agree more, Max (especially #20) and for the record, will have nothing in common with the women/cats piece unless there’s some life connection among cats, allergies and females. I’m kind of afraid of cats and wonder if there isn’t something to that whole cat-lady syndrome that someone forgot to teach me about because I haven’t figured out the allure yet. P.S. you can run your dad’s ballcap through the dishwasher and it’ll lose that odor but keep it’s shape. Just saying…FYI. 🙂

    A howling good Hau’oli La Ho’omakika’i to you and yours.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, that is a hoot Rowena. The looks on the dogs’ faces says it all. The shame, the mortification, the desire to be anywhere else is clear. If that happened to Maxwell he would need some serious anti-depressants or he might just walk out the door and keep heading south.


    • Well, yes, that’s understandable. Some say this post broke the Bro Code and am a gender traitor, the lowest form of life. Of course, the guys saying that were drinking beer, eating sandwiches and watching football while in their underwear.


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