Mr. Stinky Face With Lipstick

Some of us on this blog will remember January 1, 45 BC although we will likely refer to that year as 709 A.U.C. (ab urbe condita—”from the founding of the city,” meaning Rome.)

That was the day the Julian calendar was adopted which put to a well-deserved death the earlier Roman calendar system which had gotten so screwed up that it had January falling in mid-autumn.

Here’s Augustus whose name means “month that is hotter than the gates of hell” in ancient Roman talk. The little kid is Cupid, son of Venus. This is an unsubtle reference to the claim that the Julian family was descended from the goddess Venus.

Here’s Augustus whose name means “month that is hotter than the gates of hell” in ancient Roman talk. The little kid is Cupid, son of Venus. This is an unsubtle reference to the claim that the Julian family was descended from the goddess Venus.

The Julian calendar became the predominant calendar throughout Europe for the next 1600 years until Pope Gregory reformed it in 1582. In fact, some countries adhered to the Julian calendar until well into the twentieth century. For example, the Julian calendar was used in Russia until 1917 and in China until 1949. The Eastern Orthodox Church adheres to Caesar’s calendar even to this day.

The Julian calendar, named after Julius Caesar and not his brother Orange, also gave us the month of August. It created the Ides of March as well which didn’t work out so great for the calendar’s namesake, but I digress.

After Julius’s grandnephew Augustus defeated Marc Antony, Cleopatra and her bodacious asp named Kim K, and became emperor of Rome, the Roman Senate decided that he should have a month named after him.

Interestingly perhaps only to me, Julius and Augustus were the only Roman fat cats who permanently had months named after them—though this wasn’t for lack of trying on the part of later emperors. May was once changed to Claudius and fiddler Nero instituted Neronius in place of April. But these changes were short lived.

So what has all this to do with a small white dog in Hawaii? Well, not much, except to note that August has been a tough month for the pup.

Max's eyes have taken a disturbing appearance ever since he scratched them. (Full disclosure: this is a shopped photo with Rodney Dangerfield's eyes. No Malt was harmed.)

Max’s eyes have taken on a disturbing appearance ever since he scratched them. (Full disclosure: this is a shopped photo with Rodney Dangerfield’s eyes. No Malt was harmed.)

In the beginning of August, Max managed to scratch both of his eyes and develop an ear infection at the same time. Always an over-achiever, the Fluffpup then chewed his little paws raw making it a perfect veterinarian trifecta.

We’re not sure how he scratched his eyes. Maybe while rocketing along the carpet in his after-bath dance or bad aim with the hind-leg-scratches-the-face-maneuver or perhaps by sticking his face in bushes seeking out the elusive sidewalk chicken bone.

Whatever the cause, the result was a big vet bill, several medicines for eyes, ears and paws and doctor’s orders to wear the cone of shame for an extended period. It was a combination of these factors, plus very hot and humid weather, that led to Max being named Mr. Stinky Face for the obvious reasons.

Cone Dog expresses his displeasure.

Cone Dog expresses his displeasure.

As a series of impotent tropical cyclones have rolled past the islands this hurricane season, the storms have cut off our usually reliable trade winds. Temps have been consistently in the low 90s and we have sweltered in our little condo home balancing the relief of air conditioning against a crushing power bill. The fragrant Malt has not been happy and the AJF hasn’t been a bowl of cherries either, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah – guy in Hawaii complains of weather, break out the very tiny violins. Look, I don’t expect much sympathy but give a Malt a break. Hot, injured, afflicted with stink face and then required to parade about town with an Elizabethan collar. Oh the humanity, or huge manatee if you are in Florida.

Today, Max was scheduled to have the cone taken off for short periods of time to assess if he would be self-destructive. As we prepped for our first walk sans cone, the AJF scooped up the Pupperoni and planted a big kiss on top of his furry little noggin. That would have been fine (if a bit demonstrative for my taste) except she was going out for a lunch and had applied fresh lipstick.

Residue from the impervious lipstick. It looked much worse in real life.

Residue from the impervious lipstick. It looked much worse in real life.

No ordinary lipstick, this stuff was the cry proof, tears proof, nuclear holocaust proof concoction you see advertised on TV with cryptic names like “Rude Passion.” Yep, right on the top of Max’s head.

We tried to scrub the lip print away but to no avail. It was impervious to soap, water, dog shampoo and probably acetone and kerosene had we tried those. Of course we ran into all of Max’s friends. Everyone asked what happened since the trace of lipstick looked as though he had been clobbered by a stick.

Oh Max, you could make Augustus Caesar cry out loud.

Oh Max, you could make Augustus Caesar cry out loud.

We even ran into Uncle Fish who took one look at the doglet, gathered Max into his arms and asked accusingly, “What did you do to this dog?” I said the mark was lipstick. Fish asked if I was the one who kissed the dog. It was humiliating for all of us.

I blame Augustus Caesar. Or Julius. Or the salad. Max doesn’t care. He’s back in the cone.

Late edit: It could have been worse. From the  “dog shaming” website:

Dog shaming

21 replies

    • Thanks, Noodle! I think it’s the recent heat and humidity that has caused the overall itchiness and growth of fungus, yeast and all that yum stuff. When my electric bill gets here I’ll probably need medical attention or a pysch evaluation since i’ll be howling at the moon.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Poor little pup….and what a crowning indignity! (Not just for him by the sound of things given Mr. Fish’s question.)

    I’m sure that you are right that the heat and humidity haven’t helped him….his skin is delicate as it is.
    Our peon’s pup has had skin problems aggravated by gnawing the afflicted areas…I used an ointment I made in France from the juice of Greater Celandine and olive oil and that has produced some amelioration.
    No sign of Greater Celandine in Costa Rica, nor, I suspect, in Hawaii, but you could try applying olive oil alone to his paws in case there is a problem with mites which seem to thrive in humidity.

    Yes, blame the Caesars….if Suetonius does, so can you.

    Could you not persuade your lady wife to make a proper, well goffered Elizabethan ruff for the little chap…then he can walk the K streets in style.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Celandine- that sent me to Doctor Google. Never heard of it before but it is readily available online. A place called sells an extract for about $8. Maybe worth a shot. I like the idea of tossing the Malt with a little olive oil, maybe add some anchovies too.

      My favorite Suetonius quote is “Nothing is more unpredictable than the mob, nothing more obscure than public opinion, nothing more deceptive than the whole political system.” This seems to fit the political environment in Hawaii and Costa Rica, too.

      I thought about adding some chromed chains and spikes to Max’s cone to give him some street credibility but that would have weighed his head down and he already drags the cone around as if it were made of stone.


  2. Be sure it is greater rather than lesser celandine…two different plant families.
    Yes,Suetonius speaks for the modern world too….

    Max needs a cone ‘lite’..something in Alencon lace nicely starched.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Bwahaha. OMD Max, I’m sorry, I can just picture you in Elizabethan ruff. Olive oil hmmm? We should try that. Genis often licks his paws endlessly, for no apparent reason. We rinse his feet in a weak solution of baking soda and let him wear his socks for a day or two.


    • You have a dog that you have to ‘let him wear his socks….’ ? With massive or minor trauma our Setter has to have cream, gauze, bandage then a sticky stick to itself top layer put on a poor paw. Maybe it lasts for two minutes or could last half a day.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Max is small potatoes. Kyla specialized in 20’s and 1’s just weren’t good enough. She once tore a 20 in half and ate one half. It must have been yecchy because she didn’t eat the other half and she was extremely food driven. The peeps took the uneaten half to the bank and got a new 20. Surprisingly enough, the bank didn’t want the eaten half that they brought in a baggy and was tinted brown.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We need to teach these dogs to fetch currency instead of destroying it. Kismet should be especially adept a swooping in and lifting money into the air for a quick escape. As for eaten currency, you’re right – if it’s brown, put it down.


  5. As the rain pours straight down I cannot fail to empathise with your 90% heat problem.
    However those forced to walk their dogs in the park, the dogs oblivious to ‘stair rod rain,’ may observe differently.
    Poor wee dog, wounded and assaulted by lipstick. I’d call social services….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t feel too bad for the pup, He’s soaking up a lot extra attention and leveraging his misfortune for a lot of extra treats. It’s possible that this whole situation may have been an elaborate ploy to extract more food.


    • Max seems to have some kind of long range radar when it comes to detecting absolutely disgusting sidewalk snacks and bush treats. He can be calmly walking along and then dive into a bush, coming out with some half eaten, half rotten delicacy that only a dog could appreciate. This is met with screams to “put that down” a command which strangely enough, cannot be heard no matter how loudly it is shouted. Then comes the tussle to extract the rancid morsel from his mouth. It is just so predictable…


  6. I reckon the dogs could do really well parked outside the shops with a hat begging for donations. After all, who could resist those puppy dog eyes?
    Lady is already quite an artful beggar. One of the other dog walkers brings treats to the beach and while the other dog’s are off chasing the ball, she is sitting patiently beside his pocket, flashing those puppy dog eyes.
    After reading your post, both Bilbo and Lady are telling me how good my leftover pizza would be for their skin. It contains plenty of olive oil, olives and even anchovy.
    So sorry to hear about Max’s troubles and their impact on your wallet. We took Bilbo to the vet last week and ouch it stang. It’s like going to the dentist. They always find something extra. Poor Bilbo was quite indignant about being called an old boy.
    By the way, we had a bit of a laugh this week. Geoff pulled out Lady’s registration papers and under dog type, she is listed as a “working dog”. She used to live on a farm so that does make sense. However, somebody forgot to tell her and she’s been “on the dole” ever since she arrived her, lying out the back in the sun and off to the beach. So much for work. Soon she’ll be expecting coctail umbrellas on the side of her water bowl.


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