Thanks to the miracle that is Amazon Prime, Max and I are finished with our Christmas shopping.
Usually, the Alpha Japanese Female is the toughest one on our gift list. Over the years I’ve purchased several, uh, unusual items for her.
Some of you long suffering time readers of this silly dog blog will remember the story about the Alpha Japanese Female’s $1,000 toilet seat. (Story here.)
Some of you will recall spending a fortune on mind bleach to eradicate said story from your brain.
“If you have any sense you’ll turn off your computer right now and never return to this post again.”
You’ll be glad to know that the expensive toilet seat has performed very well these past years. It really does the job. Need I say more? No? Well, alrighty then.
Lately, however the warm air dryer feature has gotten a bit glitchy. According to the AJF, sometimes there is indeed a soft warm breeze like summer at the beach in Santa Monica. Other times there seem to be fierce, humid microbursts that do not spark joy with the AJF’s oshiri.
This is one of Max’s gifts for the AJF. Max heard that women love to receive personalized items.
Yes. I said oshiri and now you know the polite word for “butt” in Japanese. Is this an educational blog or what?
Anyway, I thought this Christmas would be an excellent opportunity to upgrade the World’s Most Valuable Throne. No, not really. C’mon man.
No, instead of actually doing something of value, I elected to buy a prank box, one of those expertly made containers that advertise outrageous products that don’t exist. The idea is to provide a shock and a giggle to the recipient of the real gift which is hidden inside.
2,700 RPM? That sounds legit.
I chose the not quite world famous “Roto-Wipe” box. It offers all the things that one might dream of in toilet accessories. There’s the basic personal cleaning wheel with soft touch bristles, automatic raising and lowering feature and “2,700 gentle RPMs.”
Back of the box. I like the comparable cleaning times for bidet, car wash sprayer and maple leaf.
But wait! There’s more! There’s also the expansion pack with stripping and buffing discs!
According to independent and thoroughly unverified reports, one could save up to $284.00 a year in toilet paper costs. I know that will appeal to the AJF because she is a very thrifty person.
Thing is, Max’s Mom is just a little bit gullible with respect to this type of gag. The Japanese humor system works a bit differently than that in the USA.
I know my spouse well.
For at least a couple of minutes she will actually believe the Roto-Wipe exists and that I actually spent some of our hard-saved 401k money buying one for her.
Of course, the notion of a 2,700 rpm revolving wheel touching her nethermost parts will be an absolutely disgusting thought to a dainty and most fastidious Japanese lady.
However, she will be supremely conflicted because thousands of years of Japanese DNA have trained her to always express gratitude for gifts even if they are abhorrent in all respects.
The tension should be worth the price of admission which in this case was the box at $7.95.
This may be my last prank. There is a good chance that I may not survive this one. I appointed Max my Executor just in case.
I’ll let you know how it turns out on Christmas morning.
Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha
WITHIN THE K STREETS 
Potty jokes. Perfect. You know us well, too.
But where did you get that mug? It’s fabulous. As soon as I can figure out how to say « bite him in the ass » in French, someone very near me will get one. I’ll dare him to take it to work!
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It’s from a small Cali company called Andaz Press. They mostly sell through Amazon. This mug was in the Maltese collection and I don’t know which other breeds are available. Here is their Amazon homepage link:
https://www.amazon.com/stores/AndazPress/Homepage/page/5230BAF8-F3F7-4D64-8FDD-181C80702BA5
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I agree with Bizzy. The mug is a masterpiece!
If I laugh any more at the “potty” antics, I’m gonna need to run to my own! Tom, I don’t know how you come up with these crazy ideas. Either you’re a genius (unlikely! ) or you’re bat**** crazy….(very likely!)
The AJF deserves a medal for not strangling you with a kimono sash! Maybe Santa will bring you a gift certificate for several sessions of intense therapy!!!
Max, daddy has gone ’round the bend AND over the top. Be very alert or next he’ll find a bone that not only cleans your teeth, but expresses your anal glands!
Ginger
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Yeah, I think bat**** crazy is probably the more accurate description. The AJF does indeed deserve a medal for putting up with my stuff. On the other hand, I tell her that’s what keeps her young. Full disclosure: in addition to the prank gifts, the AJF has some very nice presents waiting for her and I happen to know (from innocently sniffing around with Max) that I will receive a large box of See’s Nuts and Chews as part of my Christmas haul. I wonder if the “Nuts” part was a subtle dig….?
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Oh dear Sweet Baby Jesus, I need that for my husband! Not the mug. The ass wiper. Just to see the look on his face
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That may have been just a wee bit too much information. But I’m sure we all appreciate your intense spousal dedication. 🙂 Well, at least you didn’t ask if they made a 3,500 RPM model.
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oh, do they????????
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I’m almost certain that you can order one with a supercharger. It’s the Taco Bell Platinum model.
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You are one sick puppy. No offense, Max. 😉
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Max says “none taken.” I, on the other hand, am crushed by the harsh judgment especially when it comes from a…serial cat adopter. 🐈🐈🐈
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haha! Ya got me!
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Tough words on both sides. We sound like Congress. 😉
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I suspect that as well as you know your spouse, the AJF knows you just as well. She might be “gullible” for only half a second. And Max might tip her off about the real gifts beforehand anyway. Happy crazy Christmas to all three of you!
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It’s true that she is always on the lookout for my tricks but I’m a pretty good actor so there’s always worty competition. Max’s loyalty has been bought. Unless the AJF has a secret stash of chewy pupperoni treats, his little Maltese lips are sealed.Happy Christmas right back at ya!
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I can’t wait for the post-Christmas follow up story.
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If you don’t hear from me you’ll know it went poorly.
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Make sure someone let’s us know the time and place of your funeral.
Coop and I will show up and howl loudly. (Howl as in wail and cry, not as in roar with laughter.)
Ha! This post made me snort-laugh! You and Max give THE bestest gifts!!! 😀 I love giving silly and pranky gifts to my family members. 😀
HUGS for you and AJF! 🙂
PATS and BELLY-RUBS for Max! 🙂
PS…I was gonna’ say something else, but it wouldn’t be appropriate, so I’ll scoot my butt along…
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“Scoot my butt…” Ha! I saw what you did there. Maybe w’ll hang Max out over the Roto-Wipe for quick clean-ups and nail polishing too. Being of (partially) Irish descent I will want a big, loud wake with lots of music, beer and dancing. I won’t go quietly!
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YAY for not going quietly! 😀 I agree.
My kids know I want a party…a wildly final big hurrah! 🙂
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max is one lucky dog.
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We keep telling him that but he thinks he deserves all that gets and more. Just today we caught him in our bedroom closet. He sneaked in and raided his Dog Mom’s purse because she had forgotten and left a few treats in it. I heard a strange noise from behind the doors and when I opened them there he was, gobbling the goodies and looking guilty. We told him he wasn’t getting any dinner after that and all he did was glower at us as if we were the villains.
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Could you set up a video of the handover, do you think? And instruct Max how to put it on line? Just in case you were unable to do so, you understand…
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I could probably arrange that. Maybe have it uploaded to YouTube where it would no doubt go viral. I’m reminded of that terrible joke that’s going around:
Q: Name 3 things that don’t hang themselves.
A: Drywall, Christmas ornaments and Jefferey Epstein.
I might just be in line for number 4. We’ll see, we’ll see.
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Max will save you.
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Better results than Jeff, one hopes.
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Not the sort of man to have had a Maltese, was he? Says all you need to know about him.
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Ooh yes! A nanny cam in the living room to capture all of the drama.
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I can go a step further because we actually have indoor security cameras that we set when we travel for extended periods. Normally they are not active but maybe as a form of self-protection…insurance, you understand.
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Lol, she doesn’t read the blog?😂
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Nope. She ignores it. My kids don’t read it, either. My entire family refuses to read my blog. That’s how you know just how pitiful it is. Your reputation is in now in jeopardy, too.
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😂
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I’m sure that mug is going to be quite the hit! I saw a similar one I was considering for my brother. Although I think that one substituted the whole ass-biting part with something more appropriate for a human, something to the effect of face-punching, I believe. At any rate, that’s gifting gold right there, and no doubt Max’s mom will be very pleased. 😛
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I mean, right!? What’s not to like? Quality Chinese-made porcelain with only a little toxic chemical residue.
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😂 Can’t wait to read how this went down. Brilliant.
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