Thanks to the miracle that is Amazon Prime, Max and I are finished with our Christmas shopping.
Usually, the Alpha Japanese Female is the toughest one on our gift list. Over the years I’ve purchased several, uh, unusual items for her.
Some of you long
suffering time readers of this silly dog blog will remember the story about the Alpha Japanese Female’s $1,000 toilet seat. (Story here.)
Some of you will recall spending a fortune on mind bleach to eradicate said story from your brain.
You’ll be glad to know that the expensive toilet seat has performed very well these past years. It really does the job. Need I say more? No? Well, alrighty then.
Lately, however the warm air dryer feature has gotten a bit glitchy. According to the AJF, sometimes there is indeed a soft warm breeze like summer at the beach in Santa Monica. Other times there seem to be fierce, humid microbursts that do not spark joy with the AJF’s oshiri.
Yes. I said oshiri and now you know the polite word for “butt” in Japanese. Is this an educational blog or what?
Anyway, I thought this Christmas would be an excellent opportunity to upgrade the World’s Most Valuable Throne. No, not really. C’mon man.
No, instead of actually doing something of value, I elected to buy a prank box, one of those expertly made containers that advertise outrageous products that don’t exist. The idea is to provide a shock and a giggle to the recipient of the real gift which is hidden inside.
I chose the not quite world famous “Roto-Wipe” box. It offers all the things that one might dream of in toilet accessories. There’s the basic personal cleaning wheel with soft touch bristles, automatic raising and lowering feature and “2,700 gentle RPMs.”
But wait! There’s more! There’s also the expansion pack with stripping and buffing discs!
According to independent and thoroughly unverified reports, one could save up to $284.00 a year in toilet paper costs. I know that will appeal to the AJF because she is a very thrifty person.
Thing is, Max’s Mom is just a little bit gullible with respect to this type of gag. The Japanese humor system works a bit differently than that in the USA.
I know my spouse well.
For at least a couple of minutes she will actually believe the Roto-Wipe exists and that I actually spent some of our hard-saved 401k money buying one for her.
Of course, the notion of a 2,700 rpm revolving wheel touching her nethermost parts will be an absolutely disgusting thought to a dainty and most fastidious Japanese lady.
However, she will be supremely conflicted because thousands of years of Japanese DNA have trained her to always express gratitude for gifts even if they are abhorrent in all respects.
The tension should be worth the price of admission which in this case was the box at $7.95.
This may be my last prank. There is a good chance that I may not survive this one. I appointed Max my Executor just in case.
I’ll let you know how it turns out on Christmas morning.
Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha