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  1. Noooooo! Max is not exchangeable…..for anything. Jeez Louise Tom, use the lettuce leaves you can plant in your newly fenced in garden area. Install a bidet! The AJF can use the garden hose on you.

    I thought I was hearing thunder, but I now realize it’s the pounding feet of irate readers beating a path to your door.

    Be afraid Tom. Be very afraid!!!

    And Murphy isn’t talking to you right now!!
    🐾Ginger 🐾

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    • The AJF has her expensive Japanese toilet with the spray, the fans, all the bells and whistles but I don’t have one. So I thought, well, maybe the Malt would be a good substitute and environmentally friendly, too. I hadn’t thought of lettuce leaves, that must be a regional thing, huh?

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    • Actually I thought lettuce leaves would be kind of slippery. I don’t think they would be as effective as the corn cobs that I’ve heard are popular in Florida but I’m just guessing. Used to be there was Sears catalog but that Boomer’d out long ago.

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  5. Oh, no!!! 😮 😦
    Although anyone would love to have Marvelous Max in their lives, DO NOT trade him to anyone for anything!!!
    Cooper was sitting on my lap when I read this post and he read it, too. Coop said to tell you, like Murphy, he is not speaking to you either! (insert “Grrr-face”!)
    PATS and RUBS and ❤ to Max!!!
    PS…Cooper just said he might never ever read your blog again.
    But I'll keep reading, because you are so funny!!! 😀
    PPS… 🧻 🧻 🧻 🧻 🧻

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    • Who said anything about trading Max? I would never do that! I was thinking of substituting a nice fuzzy and furry Maltese in lieu of paper products. Besides, that would be good for the environment because you can simply wash the Malt and re-use him time and again. I thought that was both creative and sensitive for planet Earth. Take a look at Coop…he may be a suitable substitute if TP becomes scarce in your neck of the woods. Just sayin’.

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        • Toby, you would make a perfect substitute for TP if only your Mom could catch you. But I know you are quick on your paws and I suggest you lay low if things start to get desperate.

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      • HA! Well, anyone using a nice fuzzy furry Maltese for TP is almost as bad as trading him!

        HA! I just looked down at Coop, lying at my feet…he does have nice long silky hair (and looks to be in need of his next haircut)…hmm…TP substitute… 😀 😛

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        • See…I told ya. Do I have to think about everything around here? Look, Maverick and Murphy both have that long soft Golden Retriever fur, Lois’ cats are just the right size and she has three so can rotate her inventory. We already noted that Toby is fun-sized and convenient to use. Kismet fits in the palm of your hand. We don’t know about Freddy but maybe he has a suitable pet too.

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    • Which, no doubt, you will shred into bazillions of tiny pieces for the bottom of your cage. Speaking of which, in an emergency you could always use the newspaper liner down there.

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    • It’s only fair that he contribute to the quarantine effort. He eats a lot and requires a lot of attention. The least he could do is “take one for the team.” It all washes off!

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    • Thanks for the link. Funny enough, I woke up this morning and said to myself, “Self, where could I get a nice recording of castrated youth singing in an undecipherable language?” Et voilà. Actually, that is a pretty interesting reconstruction of what the actual voices from that period would have sounded like. Haunting. Max, of course, chimed in and explained that he was a member of the canine castrati and yet I never admired his voice. In return, I explained I became a member after marriage as most men do. We both shrugged and walked away from each other with things to think about.

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      • I’d like to know more about how the reconstruction was arrived at…but feel it would be too complicated for me to understand!
        I often feel that male bonding consists of shrugging and walking away…it saves analysis.

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  11. It’s plain insanity here. People are resorting to stealing TP from hospital restrooms, and snagging bags of hand sanitizers from outside patient rooms (our hospital has locked all auxiliary doors so entry is under the watchful eyes of security at the main entrance). Looting and gouging are now becoming the norm. The world has gone mad. And the Ranch-hands have begun to give me the “don’t even think of using our fur” look.

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    • I’m pretty sure you’d need to arrange special handling for an Old English Sheepdog but Poodle hair would be ideal. (“C’mere, Elsa…”) A nice tight weave would be both efficient and comfortable, methinks. Meanwhile the ridiculous rush for TP continues unabated out here, too. I think we’re well-stocked and I hope that’s true because at this point if I show up just for a roll or two people at the local Ralph’s will probably glare at me and shout “Hoarder! Hoarder!>

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      • Tight weave…love it. It may be some time before TP returns to any shelves around here. Even if you’re willing to stand in the checkout line for 2+ hours not to mention even finding a parking spot in the store lot. I made the stupid choice to go down the Twitter rathole this morning and found story about a guy posing in front of his garage with the caption saying “man with 17,000 packages of hand sanitizer he can’t use.” #nosympathy Those makeshift bidets that hang on the side of the throne from Amazon are out of stock. Can you say “Lord of the Flies?”

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        • Time to go full panic and acquire one of the Washlet toilet seats. Costco was selling a pretty good one for like $329. No woman has ever regretted upgrading to the bidet/washlet seat, although I have limited sample size because it’s sort of a personal question to raise especially in the grocery checkout line. I just got back from the grocery store, just picking up a few fresh veggies for tonight, and the place looked Soviet Russia Market. No bread, eggs, meat, chicken, fish and lot of other gaps. There was a REALLY annoying old Phart in front of me at check out bitching to the cashier “but what if I want to have eggs for breakfast?” She could barely hold it in she was so mad. So of course when it was my turn, I said “Hey, aren’t you supposed to asked me if I found everything OK?” She started to wind up and I added, “like eggs?” Then she caught on and we had a good laugh. 🙂

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    • Somebody had posted that years from now, after Covid-19 had ravaged the Earth, archaeologists in America would discover millions of bodies , all with amazingly spotless butts. So I guess there may be an upside to hoarding some TP after all,

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