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A Malt’s Growing Outrage

Those who accidentally stumble upon this silly dog blog (colloquially: “The Unfortunate Few”) know that this is one of the “wokest” spots on WordPress.

Even celebrities have suffered.

Here we do not disparage our fellow canines. We try not to stereotype. We celebrate the differences among breeds. We acknowledge that all dogs are created equal.

We do not make Boris and Natasha jokes when we discuss Borzoi. We don’t characterize St. Bernards as drunks despite that ever-present cask of brandy. We recognize that some greyhounds are slow, some pitbulls are cowardly and some Border Collies are dumb and lazy. There are Chihuahuas that don’t yap.

Black Labs matter.

OK, the part about non-yapping Chihuahuas is a lie. I made that up.

“I’m feeling somewhat frayed these days…”

While Max’s silly dog blog is clearly “woke,” he has not yet mastered the Art of Outrage that is so popular these days. He doesn’t protest when the AJF serves a Caesar Turkey and Spring Vegetables meal instead of his favorite Caesar Angus Beef Simmered with Extra Beef and a Side of Beef meal. He doesn’t take to the streets when Milk Bones are out of stock.

Admittedly, he has been known to loot shamelessly other dogs’ chew toys. “Liberate” is the term he prefers.

All told, Max has fared well during these strange days of pandemic and social turmoil, at least up until recently. The past few days have been a challenge and the stress seems to be wearing on his little furball nerves.

“Did you really have to show that last photo?”

For starters, it’s been ridiculously hot. As in 117 degrees (47C) hot. This weather has been tough on the Dogster who cannot walk on hard surfaces without burning his paws (and it hasn’t been conducive to successful gardening either.)

Then there have been the statewide wild fires. While these California conflagrations have not threatened Max’s community, they have made the air foul with gases and particulates, so much so that his daily walks and visits to the park have been curtailed.

Each day dawn arrives grey and foreboding. The days are darkly overcast from smoke as if we live at the foot of an erupting volcano. Sunset is straight out of Lord of the Rings, the setting orb looking frighteningly like the Eye of Sauron.

View from Max’s backyard, facing west.

But the straw that may break the Malt’s serenity was today’s announcement that Los Angeles County has cancelled Halloween. As I said when I first got a universal remote control, “This changes everything!” :snorf:

No trick or treating in LA and we expect that prohibition to spread to our county, too, although a recent poll of residents indicated near 30% want Halloween activities to continue unimpeded. I guess nothing screams “Freedom!” like dispatching your children to strangers’ doors, shouting “trick or treat” and then bringing home to Grandma candy touched by the hands of many others.

“Look Grandma, I got a Snickers Bar, a Milky Way and some Covid-19!” Makes one mourn for the good old days of candy apples with hidden razor blades.

What especially bothers Max is that he may not get a Halloween costume this year. Too bad, I had my eye on a number of politically incorrect costumes. You have to admit that the opportunity to offend a significant number of one’s neighbors is especially ripe this year.

As Meat Loaf says, “No, I can’t do that.”

The mostly peaceful pup is not amused. He was looking forward to dressing up, perhaps as a virus, a political figure (whoops, redundant) or maybe that cute but intimidating Police K-9 costume with tear gas accessory. Instead, he will be stuck at home with only his DogParents and a Caesar Angus Beef meal to soothe his ruffled fur.

We can sense his outrage growing.

Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha

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50 replies ›

  2. Yeah, poor Jen. She does look a bit ruff (!!)–2020 is really taking a toll on her. Little Max–surely your dog dad carries you outside so you can point to the place where he should set you free to do your thing! No?! Now is the time. Seriously though, are those fires near you? The pictures they show on TV are awful– this from a gender reveal party?! What in the heck happened to opening a box of pink or blue frosted cupcakes?! Take care, you guys!

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    • We’re sandwiched between several fires, none of which are close enough to pose any danger at all but the volume of smoke from the blazes is simply incredible and it’s exacerbated by winds that are bringing even more smoke down from Northern California’s fires. Cough, cough. With the heat (just starting to abate) the atmosphere has been lousy for man and beast.

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  3. The fires scare me more than the virus. Please be careful out there. I refuse to say “stay safe” because that seriously grates on my nerves – I want to reply with, “nope, sorry, I’m gonna dive straight into danger!”

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  4. Awwww Max, your poor tootsies. Make sure to remind Dog Dad to carry you outside to your destination. My Murphy girl sends you kisses and belly rubs and some ice packs for your paws.

    Tom, Jennifer looks pretty damn awful. And I was going to go buy all those skin products she pushes on TV! Nope. They don’t seem to work.

    Tom, I’m so glad to hear you and the AJF and Max aren’t in the direct path of these horrendous fires, but still, you suffer the side effects. The photo from your backyard is amazing.

    Can’t say I’m surprised about Halloween. I think that will be repeated all over. But hey Max, no costume this year!! Yaaayyyy! I can hear your tail wagging from here.

    Please stay safe, all of you.
    Ginger

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    • I don’t think that Aveeno stuff is working on Jen anymore. I knew she should have stayed with Brad. Yeah, Max is not completely heartbroken about possibly not having a costume. But…there is time for that to change and I may not be able to resist. Some bat wings, maybe. A doctor, a policeman, a rioter at Dollar General…somewhere there is a costume for the Malt. Max says thanks to Murphy for the kind wishes, ice packs and rubs. 🐕🐕🐕

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  5. I am glad that you aren’t in any danger from the fires. Poor little Max, having to try and walk on the hot sidewalks. Maybe the cold weather we are having in Colorado will head your way!

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  6. poor, poor Max! Cancel Halloween? What’s next? Thanksgiving? Christmas? I’m so tired of all the hysteria around COVID. I get it but… I’m so sorry about the fires. We’ve had them here in Utah as well. It is no fun to go out in the smokey air. Yesterday we had super strong winds (up to 112 MPH gusts). A lot of damage, etc. Sookie wasn’t handling it well but today is much better!

    Tell the Malt to hang tough and I hope the heat and fires take a break soon!

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    • 112mph winds and Sookie will be in Lake Tahoe. Tie that pup down! Duct tape some cinder blocks to Sookie’s paws. It will be interesting to see what happens about Halloween. In Los Angeles Halloween is the biggest party night of the year and I really doubt having the County say “Sorry, Halloween is Cancelled” will deter the people from coming out. I guess kids may stay home as parents refuse to let them trick or treat but the adult Halloweeners will out in force. Maybe I should get a jump on things and buy a turkey now just in case anybody tries to cancel Thanksgiving!

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    • Max has a long history of being abused by his DogParents when it comes to costumes. He’s been a pinata, a Viking, a leprechaun, a cowboy, an internet entrepreneur, a reindeer and on and on. He puts up with the indignities but inside he is a seething pit of resentment and we sleep with one eye open anytime we introduce a new costume. Still, given all the memes and themes and easy targets it will be hard not to once again dress the Malt. 👿

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  8. Oh, Max!
    Poor you!
    It’s been a ruff year and might get ruff-er. Especially with no Halloween! You can still dress up, though! Ooh! You could dress your Human-Beans up and take photos of them!!! 😉 😀

    Oh…And you can take GREAT comfort in the fact that you look w-a-a-a-y better than Jennifer Aniston! She has definitely not fared well. 😉 😀

    Coop and I hope you and your Human-Beans stay safe from the fires. They are so scary. (The fires are scary, not your Human-Beans.) And we hope you find some fun things to do indoors to bring the joy! 🙂

    Coop and I send our love and bestest wishes to you! 🙂
    PATS and RUBS!!! 🙂
    PS…tell Tom that we howled with laughter here! Grrr-eat post! 😀 😛

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  9. I still have half a mind to dress as a Plague Doctor and make neighborhood house calls. (The “half-a-mind” is an unfortunately accurate self-description.) I could dress Max as my assistant or maybe just attach some fuzzy balls to him and call him a virus. Not being able to go to the park has played havoc with Max’s poop schedule and the other night he got up at 3AM and demanded to go out because he didn’t get his afternoon/evening constitutional. Being a good DogDad I took him outside forgetting to turn off the automatic security lights. So there I was, dressed only in a pair of sleep shorts at 3AM, illuminated like I was on a Broadway stage, trying to (quietly) encourage my dog to hurry up and poop and hoping that my neighbors and the police were not choosing that night to be extra vigilant. It’s a tough life, Carolyn, and then it gets hard.

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  10. The local Catholic church usually has a picnic in August. This year they decided to have a “virtual picnic” instead where you call five fellow church members to see how they are doing. Something tells me you are creative enough to invent a “virtual Halloween”. Maybe Skype friends and family and have then put BitBiscuits in your account? Zoom with other pets and show off your new outfits? Or maybe just go with the old tradition of throwing corn at people’s windows while going maskless. (You could substitute improperly digested biscuits for neighbors you don’t like.)

    Some friends have been having issues with their A/C because of all the smoke from the fires. Don’t forget to check your filters even more often than usual. We worry about you all.🤗

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    • We have MERV-11 filters snd they have been collecting a fair amount of “gunk”, a technical term for all the stuff in the air. You have lots of creative ideas and strange traditions but they sound like work. I was not a big fan of Halloween anyway. I just heard that Home Depot and others have announced they are canceling all “Black Friday” sales this year. Yikes!

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  12. Very glad that you are in no danger…but even so the effects sound dreadful for your lungs…and for Max’s paws.
    That photograph was terrfying in its intensity.
    Out at 3.00 a.m.in your undies under the lights? Thank goodness you were not using them as a mask…
    I am looking forward to the meme…..
    I think you should carry out the plague doctor project…tap on the door and announce that Bill Gates is giving free vaccines….you will either be feted or ostracised in your neighbourhood…but you know it better than I do. so for you to decide.

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    • My neighbors look at me the same way one looks at a very slow but mildly amusing child with special needs. They have concluded that I am harmless and will leave if ignored. The AJF finds shame in this but it bothers me not…hide like a rhinoceros. I never liked Halloween anyway so I don’t much care what restrictions are imposed but I do like dressing up that little dog.

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  13. So I had noticed. Do not infect Bizzy.
    I too have the hide of a rhino…you need it with my views…but also the irascibility, as the more venturesome of the neighbours have discovered.
    As one who has successfully respresented a gentleman who lost his job thanks to his employment of the n word, the w word and the c word – not the one you think – call upon me to defend you should the meme have an adverse reaction among the woke.
    Not of course that the woke would read anything so normal as a dog blog…

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    • What? And miss our God-given opportunity to give our money to the government in return for wonderful services, fabulous governance and leadership and effective foreign policy? Why, we should celebrate tax day at least twice each year. FREEDOM!!!

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  15. Funny how dogs don’t understand panDAMNic restrictions. Just know everyone at the Ranch is sending their best thoughts and wishes for a break in the heat as well as a handle on the fires. What you’ve been experiencing has been far worse than the smoke filled air and alerts along with falling ash that happened here. Hang in there…all of you. We’re sending our best positive thoughts and prayers this ends in the near future. Extra ear rubs for our favorite Malt.

    As for the cancellation of Halloween, I got no problem with that. With each year I’m always astounded that people would send their kids out to strangers houses and at least here, usually on a night where the weather is horrible. Go buy a bag of candy for crying out loud.

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    • As we approach the Denver Equinox – that time of year when we we all switch from Monika griping abut the heat to Monika griping about the cold – we are reminded that a 60 degree swing in temperatures in entirely possible in your neck of the woods. Still, we are jealous that you’re able to access the mountains whilst we are stuck in the middle of suburbia and whilst we have a 10,000 footer just up the street, it’s not near as wonderful as the Rockies at any season. For Halloween, you can buy Elsa and Norma matching bandannas and just say they are going as fraternal twins.

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  18. Poor dog, too hot to walk, vegan meals instead of food, and air so bad you think you are living in Peking, sorry Bejing.
    Banning Halloween is always good. Of course nasty individuals would kidnap the kids crawling the streets and dump them ina far off town, for the neighbours sake. Only mums and a few dads would grumble.

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  19. I totally and completely adore Max … and your wonderful blog. I was just reminded of mine and was horrified …. no I take that back, let’s capitalize the H … Horrified … to discover that my last postie was back in July. Sigh. Bad Lois. Anyway … more blogs from thee, please!!!!!!!!

    Now as to the fire and you and the AJF and Max … and all your loved ones on the left coast … over here in the Shenandoah Valley, we actually have haze in our usually glorious sapphire skies!!!! And the news, which I’m quite good at ignoring, has vids about your fires that frighten me to pieces!!!!! Please, please you guys … stay SAFE!!!!!

    And, oh go ahead and get that politically incorrect costume for Max … take lots of pics … we your adoring fans will love seeing them!!!!!!

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