Fresh off my stunning failure as a Halloween costume maker, I decided to return to the world of home improvement where I am more comfortable if not more skilled.
We have one small corner of our yard that was poorly positioned to receive sun and where overhanging eucalyptus trees created a dank environment not conducive to growing grass.
Unfortunately, this blighted little piece of the great outdoors was Max’s favorite spot to relieve himself. For most of the year this meant that the Bark Beast would go put, do his business, back-kick mightily to assert urinary dominance and return proudly but with absolutely filthy paws.
The Alpha Japanese Female had been on my derrière for some time to rectify this problem. I was starting to feel like Forrest Gump from her recurrent chewing on my buttocks.
I toyed with the notion of installing fake grass artificial turf but realized that there are only two possible strategies with a faux lawn: pay a fortune for a beautiful, professional job or “do-it-yourself” and metamorphose that dreadful piece of backyard into the local laughingstock of landscaping.
Being supremely thrifty frugal economical provident cheap I would typically opt for the second choice but I received withering glares and mumbled maledictions each time I suggested that approach to the AJF. An alternative was needed so I decided to simply hardscape the space.
Pro tip: concrete is always your amigo when looking for a cheap cost effective, permanent solution.
It was a fun little project. First was grubbing the existing grass, then extracting and capping the sprinkler lines and plumbing new drip irrigation lines. Then came installing an underground drain (“dog pee outfall” in technical terms) forming my design, putting in the substrate and compacting that material and then finally pouring concrete and finishing.
In a couple of days the “patio extension” as we now call it, was done and dry and the pebbles were added as a semi-permeable surface for Max’s liquid contributions to the ecology which exit the property via the aforementioned drain.
I had the help of a couple of young Tongan guys who had done some work for me a while back. Here’s a hint if you ever need concrete work done: hire a Tongan or a Samoan guy. I don’t know exactly why but these Pacific Island folks are quite skilled in this type of construction. In Hawaii it is a well known fact that Tongans are the absolute masters of rock wall building.
My helpers were men of great intentions and strength but there was one small problem: they really liked their weed. Yep. Satan’s lettuce. Pakalolo. Devil’s asparagus. Ganja. Doña Juanita. Mind you, recreational herb is legal in California and I’m not judgey.
Naturally, there was no indulging permitted at Chez Maxwell but each time I rode in their truck to pick up materials from El Big Box I remembered the term “contact high” we some people talked about in college. Empty Doritos bags all over the floorboards and I don’t think we got above 30 miles per hour for the whole trip to Home Depot. Pink Floyd on the radio. You get the point.
Their recreational habit tended to make their work schedules both malleable and unpredictable. We needed to compact the concrete underlayment with a heavy and thunderous compactor machine. We scheduled this very noisy task for late morning me but the Tonga Toker Twins were johnny-at-the-rat-hole early arriving at 5:30 am and essentially waking the entire neighborhood before 6:00. Even now neighbors spit on the ground and present forked fingers when they spot me.
Obviously we still need to decorate, add planters and other frou-frou stuff as directed by the AJF. In the center hole we intend to plant a Japanese maple tree of the type whose leaves turn brilliant red and gold in the Fall. We’ll do that during the colder part of the year.
The big question was whether the Malt would accept a hardscape for his constitutionals. The answer was positive and fast coming and I planted a flag at the site of his inaugural micturation.
Then I went online to Amazon and ordered a small rectangle of fake grass artificial turf to place on the pebbles. For old times’ sake.
Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha
WITHIN THE K STREETS 
Nice work. If those guys ever come to France, have them get in touch. I don’t need concrete but prep work, gravel, definitely. The holy herb is not yet legal here, but I won’t tell…
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There was a time when I would have done the whole job myself. Recently I noticed that due to an unexpected change in gravity that things like rocks, dirt and concrete all weigh more than they used to. Oh, and I doubt the boys could find Fontana let alone France.
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I thought the good stuff was in places like Fontana — but of course my contacts are a bit out of date…
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You are not wrong.
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Tom, I didn’t think you could ever redeem yourself from the Halloween costume fiasco, but damn if you didn’t ! 👏👍
The renovation of that portion of the patio looks fabulous. I cracked up at the flag commemorating Max’s first official pee on a lawnless landscape. Good boy Max.
Your helpers sound great. Stay on their good side. You don’t want that relationship to “go up in smoke” because you may need them again!!
Ginger
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Redemption at last! Max has embraced his new grassless pee spot and seems to like not getting his feet wet and dirty. Today was our first rain in 187 days and we were happy to shuffle the Malt on to the pebbles. My helpers are definitely “interesting.”
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Tom, you did great! This looks really pretty and, if not told, I’d have no idea there had been grass here originally. Funny story about grass…I retired from years in risk management. And we were drug free. Anytime an employee was injured, we required a post-accident drug screen. Darn if every time an employee turned up positive and we would notify they client of their right to fire the employee, we always heard the same thing: “But he is my best employee!”
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I had to laugh when one of the Toker Twins “admitted” to me that he was fond of weed. He did it while we were taking our first trip to Home Depot in his big pickup truck which absolutely reeked of happy smoke. He seemed surprised that I had figured it out already. I mean, the Doritos bags were sort of a dead giveaway…
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😮😯 it turned out really well! I hope you can share pics when you add the tree! I’m glad Max approves of his new area to make his “liquid contributions to the ecology” 🤣
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Thanks, Peachy. Yeah, I’ll post a pic of the tree when we get it. I am being very picky about the specific type of Japanese maple that I want. It’s a variety not normally available at the Big Boxes or neighborhood nurseries. I may have to mail order it but then it will be smaller than I wanted. Thing is, that tree will be around far longer than me, Max or the AJF so I’d like it to be a nice legacy tree. I can hear my credit cars screaming already.
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It will be so worth it and beautiful. Maybe you can hang the credit cards as ornaments after 😄
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Hey, that’s a good idea. The Alpha Japanese Female suggested we get a living Christmas Tree and place it in the center and then decorate it with lots of lights and ornaments. I like that idea, too. I have an electrical outlet nearby so we could illuminate in the evenings.
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🎄🎄🎄 anything to do with Christmas sounds like a great idea to me 😁😁😁
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In that case, Max suggests adding him to your Christmas list.
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That looks fabulous! The tree will be nice there. Now you need a fire put, a bird feeder and a squirrel or two. I can ship the squirrels, I’ll just give them some tonga turf. First. I laughed through the entire post. Go for it Max! (From Chester)
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No squirrels, thanks, we’re all stocked up already. Fire pits are very popular in this neck of the woods. We considered a fire pit and I actually ran a gas line not far away just in case but we realized we don’t tend to hang out back in that area very much so it wouldn’t be used often. If we change our mind we could with a portable unit. We do have several hummingbird feeders in the area and over the years have built up a population of permanent resident h-birds along with gazillions of seasonal hummers.
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Will the neighbours ever forgive you, do you think?
And on the subject of the neighbours, exactly where will Max’s liquid contributions to the ecology end up?
But you and the weed driven Tongans have made a super job of it all…it looks great.
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Asking the real questions. OK, here’s what I did: I trenched beneath the area that eventually was covered by 10 cm of pebbles and placed a long leach pipe imbedded in crushed gravel. That whole area was then graded and compacted to slant towards a vertical access point for the leach pipe. Around here that’s called a “French Drain.” ( French fry, French toast, French drain…it all works.) Just so you know, these were first popularized by Henry Flagg French (1813–1885) of Concord, Massachusetts, a lawyer and Assistant US Treasury Secretary. So, Max’s generous contributions end up under ground in a code-complying manner that also allows me to wash down the pebbles with the hose to avoid building up a stench of Maltese.. In retrospect, it was way more effort than the problem deserved.
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Wonders will never cease…a lawyer producing something useful!
It seems trouble well worth taking to me…experience of French drains – as in drains in France – fill me with foreboding at the mere mention of same.
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But where would the Phantom of the Opera live if not for French drains?
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Currently in the ELysee Palace, I believe, in full view of all.
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Ha ha…topical! Let’s get the Islamic point of view. meanwhile, I was waiting for a :snorf: about the Phantom having to wear a mask.
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I think the current inhabitant always has….needs to hide the fangs.
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The political cartoons seem to focus on horns and a forked tail these days but fangs work, too.
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As evidenced by the discreet charm of the French bourgeoisie as they sink their fangs into your wallet.
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Put this one in your browser and watch the short video clip of this guy interrupting the French newscaster on live TV.
“I ate escargot,” he continued, trying his hand at the tongue with a comically bad accent and exaggerated, stereotypical French laughs. “I love a croissant.”…“I love an omelette du fromage,” he added.
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Doesnt seem so keen on les vetements, however…
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😁
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Speaking of Tonga, it’s a very interesting and unique Pacific Island culture. It’s quite socially conservative, family-oriented and religious with a big debate over who has more members, the Mormons or the Methodists. It is a strongly matriarchal society.
When I had the guys doing work for our daughter I explained to her that they would probably seem very shy and would probably avoid direct eye contact when speaking to her. That’s a reflection of their society where even a young single woman can have a higher social status than a professional man. The daughter liked that idea a lot but I told her don’t go getting any ideas.
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Off at a tangent, but did you ever read Grimble’s Pattern of Islands, anout his time in the Gilbert and Ellice Islands pre WWI?
Perhaps mother had Tongan antecedents….she was certainly keen on a matriarchal society…but i don’t see her in costume, somehow…
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No I haven’t read that. I’ll check it out. Funny how the matriarchal model seems to appeal so strongly to women, huh?
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Experience shows it to be an effective system…for women.
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Sales of the Old Testament are no doubt slow in said societies.
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Neck and neck with the Koran, I expect.
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😁
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It looks fantastic! Memo to me if I ever need rock or concrete additions to the great outdoors. Happy you survived those trips to El Big Box….in slow motion. Thanks for the morning chuckle 😄
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The interactions between the Home Depot folk and the boys were hilarious. The clerks would ask something like, “You want us to just load the materials on a pallet and put it in the back of your truck?” The guys would stand there with a distant look and eventually reply, “Oh wow, yeah, man, that would be cool.” I felt like I was moving underwater.
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Glub glub 😄
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HAHAHAHAHA!!! You crack me up!!! 😀
But, ooh, I think this looks so nice! Great job, Tom!
And GREAT job!!! to Max for christening the work! Way to go, Max! I think the flag of commemoration should stay there until you get the official plaque marking Max’s Duty…Doody…Date and Time. 😀 😛
Max looks as sweet as ever in his photos and his expression is like, “Oh, gosh, what are they doing to my kingdom now. They never ask my permission. SIGH” 😛
(((HUGS))), PATS and RUBS!!! 😀
Oh…and from Coop… 💩
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You know that Cooper is welcome to come over and give the new area a try out anytime. You are too, Carolyn if you want to. 😈 So far the patch of fake grass holds no attraction for the Malt but he is quite happy to use the pebbles. At first he was hesitant and his look was exactly as you described it. Even now I’m not sure if he is upset that we didn’t first get his input on design and materials.
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If the before photo was objectionable remind me to never show images of grass from the Ranch. Yikes! It all looks pawsome and I hope sweet Max finds the new surroundings to his high standards.
P.S. You’d be hired in a NY minute around here to revamp any of my outdoor areas.
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Well, remember that photo is at the end of summer when the grass was at its very best which wasn’t very good. In mid-winter that patch was threadbare and kind of soupy if we got rain (which, by the way, we did today for the first time in 187 days – 10th longest stretch with no precipitation.) I like these bite-size projects that start and end in a week and since I do most of it myself I’m not at the mercy of a contractor’s or handyman’s schedule and right now it’s hard to find anyone to do anything home related. Except for my Tongan helpers who seem to always be available but who are actually pretty good workers.
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Congrats on the rain. I hope you left some before you sent it on its way.
Having mad DIY skills is such a bonus. Good for you. The AJF doesn’t know how good she’s got it. 😇
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I tell her that all the time. She is of a different opinion. 😁
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I’ll write you a letter of recommendation.
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See my comment up above to Helen Devries about Tongan society – the AJF has decided a matriarchal society is what is needed around this house. Max and I are nervous.
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😳 Gulp!
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Uh, wow, man, nice job, man….
Seriously, nice job! Your space requirements (for Max) reminded me of the brief time I lived with three dogs (two large, one medium) in a townhouse with a small back fenced area, 1/3 of it deck, plus a large rhododendron bush. I filled the remaining space with splinter-free bark so the dogs had a place to go when they couldn’t wait for regular walks. But of course bark absorbs moisture and smells that even Seattle’s rain couldn’t completely wash away. Your pebbles make much more sense. Wish I’d thought of it.
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The problem that remains is His Furriness insists on doing that silly back-kick thing after his constitutional. I read that’s a kind of dominance by scent marking from the paws. I don’t know who Max thinks he is dominating, even the squirrels mock him. But the back-kick manages to spread pebbles all around and guess who gest to sweep that up? Big dogs in small spaces is an enormous challenge whereas a Malt is pocket size and delivers only modest product. Bitchin’ and righteous too.
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Great job!
The hindrance from the other two enhances your talent.
Max must be proud of you.
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Praise from Max is a rare thing. I’ve yet to experience it. Pretty much the same with the AJF. Yet I struggle on, unappreciated.
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Despite my warning to the peeps that AstroTurf increases sports injuries, they installed it an their new favorite sport is watching the AstroTurf grow.
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Things are really exciting over in New River. Next, paint drying!
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Your project came out really nice! It’s good that Max approves.
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Now that it’s been awhile, Max really seems to like his new accommodations. During the recent rain storm he took to dashing out, scrunching and rushing back in – with clean (relatively) paws!
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