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Hot Tub Saga

Hot tubs, along with those wonderful washlet toilets which we’ve previously discussed here, are consequential, indeed indispensable, products for the Alpha Japanese Female and me. No house can be our home without these indulgent accessories.

We’ve talked about these life-affirming miracles before, remember?

When we moved from Hawaii to California in 2015 it was simply a given that we would buy washlets for each bathroom and a backyard “spa” which is the frou-frou name for an expensive hot tub. One of the criteria we set for selecting a house was that its garden area be private and without direct lines of sight from neighboring properties, which is no easy trick for Southern California houses on ridiculously tiny lots.

Then, mirabile dictu, we discovered that the house we wanted to buy already had a hot tub. The problem was that said hot tub was a disreputable unit of uncertain provenance.

I don’t think it looked all that bad.

The Seller allowed as how he didn’t know the tub’s exact age because it was willed to him along with the house by his now deceased parents but he promised and pinky swore that the tub was in tip top condition, ran perfectly and didn’t leak. Would a house seller ever lie?

The AJF stamped her tiny Ferragamo-clad feet and insisted that the Seller simply remove the old tub before we closed on the house, secure that I would purchase for her a brand-new “spa” when we took occupancy. “Just throw that junk out,” were her exact words.

…and so it begins…

However, since I am supremely thrifty cheap, I countered that we should keep the legacy hot tub and “use it until it dies” at which point we would significantly upgrade our outdoor bathing accoutrements. As my blog friend Julia says, “It just needs a little percussive maintenance.”

“Think of all the money we’ll save,” I hooted, “We’ll be able to afford an even posher one in a little while.” A lot of name calling ensued and threats of physical harm were made towards me, but ultimately she acquiesced.

Nice motor. I installed that 5 HP bruiser a couple years ago.

Fast forward five years and the Franken-tub is still running strong. Based on a Goog of its serial number, the ancient brute turned 20 years old in January which makes it the Methuselah of hot tubs. Oh sure, I had to replace a pump and motor a couple of years ago but that only cost about $300 since I did the work myself and I’m almost certain I got all the right wires in the right places. Other than that, the hot tub hasn’t needed any parts or services. Such a deal!

Did you wake me up for this nonsense?

The AJF hates that this tub shows no sign of dying. Yup, Old Faithful is all that stands between her, a brand new Hotspring Triumph™ and the thundering, wifey-back thumping power of the Moto-Massage® DX jet that she’s thirsting for. You can practically feel the loathing she holds for the Venerable One. I can hear her chanting ominous Japanese imprecations every time she sits in The Beast, which is almost every night.

The Hotspring Triumph™ with the Artsy-Fartsy jet massage. Trust me, you don’t want to know the price for this bad boy.

I, of course, simply love that ‘ole tub to bits. In response to her attempts at sabotaging it, I occasionally rick-roll the AJF by singing, “Never gonna give you up.”

Finally, she presented an ultimatum: either I do something to at least improve the appearance of the Monster or she was calling (“Right now and I mean right this very minute!”) 1-800-GOTJUNK to turn my old buddy over to the (cough) waste management people.

Remodeled Beast

So, for the past few days I have been re-siding and tarting-up my economical cauldron of joy. I wasn’t given much budget so I opted to use as siding, waterproof laminate floor tiles that resemble real wood. Well, they resemble real wood if you are out at sunset and squint really hard from a distance and did I mention they were inexpensive?

I bet she’ll want a new cover, too. Personally, I think the duct tape is a charming add. Lends a sense of history.

I’m not sure how long this palliation will placate the AJF. I was hoping she’d at least appreciate my efforts but even that is not certain. On the first day I asked if she’d make me something to eat for lunch so I could power on with the remodeling work.

“Grilled,” hon. It’s “grilled.” “R” is your friend.

She said, “I was just at Tokyo Central Market and I have just the thing for you. I found these delicacies on sale. We’ll just use these for awhile and then I’ll get some of the good ones. Think of all the money we’ll save.”

I think that’s called sarcasm.

Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha

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41 replies ›

  1. Darn. She is good. Yup. Sarcasm. Pure and simple. I like it! I was gonna comment on not bringing those rice balls into the hot tub….. Didn’t sound quite right.

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  2. Me thinks AJF is just getting started with the sarcasm. Can’t wait to read about what she comes up with next, and next, and next…! It might be safer to capitulate now, especially since I’m sure you’d also enjoy those massaging jets of the (her) Triumph.

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    • Somehow “Triumph ” is going to come back and haunt me. Yeah, I suspect she’s not going to just give up on this issue. I can hear my wallet getting ready to scream.

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  4. Tsk! Too used to luxury some people.
    She has you to rub her back, not a hot tub.
    She has you to maintain the thing thriftilly.
    She has Max as security.
    What more could she want?
    Hide all adverts, they just give a bad impression…

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    • See, this is what I’m talking about – someone who can appreciate that the spouse should be more appreciative of my many efforts. When I was young we were lucky to have hot water once a month. We broke the ice to bathe and scrubbed with rocks.

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  5. Tom, some people are so cheap when they open up their wallet moths fly out. You, however, are the King of Cheap. When you open up your wallet, you don’t even let the moths out!

    You did a decent job sprucing up the current hot tub, but it’s NEVER going to cut the mustard. If you want to live happily ever after, for Gods sake give up this losing battle and surprise the AJF with the hot tub of her dreams. Who knows? Maybe one of your dreams will come true! 🤗

    Meantime, protect all your balls….rice, volley, ping pong, matzo …….!
    Ginger

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    • Ha! No reason to waste moths just because they are old. Still plenty of use in those moths, Ginger! Like my cargo shorts. At some point the ancient hot tub will die and then I will consider what it’s replacement will be. There definitely will be a replacement but I’m not willing to commit to the Triumph just yet.

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  6. I think you are approaching balls for cufflinks time…..

    As we are both cheap, the dear old relic would be kept going as long as it chose to do so…duct tape and all….. but you are in a different and more risky position.

    The only avenue of argument I can see is to point out that high status people really do not care for appearances….but I suspect that this is an outdated concept now that people seem to dress up for every imaginable activity from cycling to – gulp – gardening.

    I showed the video to Leo…He said it must be aimed at the Gulf market as the tart didn’t undress and demonstrate the thing. Not, I think, a potential customer.

    How is it going with the squirrels?

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    • There are few things better for the old bones and joints than a bubbling tub of 40C water. I keep trying to get it included as a deductible expense under my health insurance. If Leo needs some pointers to websites where the tarts do undress, there are some recommendations I could make although they might result in you losing internet access once the Costa Rica Catholic Church gets wind of them. My plan is to simply outwait the AJF. The tub runs, it gets hot, it does the job and now it’s a bit less ugly. We’ll see how long it takes my resolve to crumble.

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  7. Leo is of the epoch were scantily clad women draped themselves over car bonnets at motor shows….
    this is his gold standard of advertising.

    Best not indicate the websites…I can see it now. The internet goes down and people in robes and pointy hats arrive to cart him off for an auto da fe…which would be a nuisance as I need the internet.

    A hot tub would do him good, but these days he would need a hoist to get in and out and I think that, in general, he feels that the day he needs a hoist is the day he turns his face to the wall..

    Keep up your resolve…Tynecastle is on your side.

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  8. I love it! Especially franken tub, but yeah a new cover would be nice. They sell big blue plastic tarps down at Home Depot. Or for a good deal I could send you ours…just a few tears from when we piled our leaves on it and hauled them to the vacant lot…you could bedazzle it!

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  9. It IS called sarcasm! 😀 Is the AJF a card carrying member of The National Sarcasm Society!?!? 😉 😛 I have some relatives who are!
    I love hot tubs! Even your Franken-Tub! ‘Tis cool! Ha! I think it DOES need a new cover. Just sayin’. 😉 HA!
    Oh! And I love balls! Even if they are glilled! 😉 😀
    Hey, Max…You make a grrr-eat supervisor! 😉 😛
    HUGS!!! PATS!!! and RUBS!!! 🙂
    PS…I saw a cartoon with a dog and his man…er a man and his dog in the hot tub. The dog says to the man, “Ironically, I hate baths. But, I love hot tubs.” 😀 He is one hot dog! 😉 😛

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  12. Tom – thanks for the mention. You and Bruce are of the same in being cheap- you would laugh so hard at Bruce’s work on his 30 year old lawnmower to keep it running.

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All comments are welcome, so speak! Speak! Good dog.

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