Rude Vegetables

If you are totally bored and have a juvenile sense of humor – of course you do, you’re here, right? – then type “rude vegetables” into your internet search browser.

So many tomatoes to process. It’s hard to ketchup.

Protip: before doing this, spend at least a second or two thinking what it is going to do to your search history. Recall that if you do this search and then die your surviving family members will find that your last act was searching for obscene garden offerings.

Hey, it’s your legacy, act accordingly.

This tomato “cracked” me up. Malt added for scale.

Anyhoo, I mention this only because things in Max’s garden are starting to look a little strange. The tomatoes and other veggies are developing, uh, protuberances. I don’t know what causes this or how I should interpret the results.

More a grower than shower but it was cold that day.

Let’s just say that the Alpha Japanese Female is now hesitant to accept any produce from me. I have to place the veggies on the counter, back away and allow her a chance to inspect them.

Cue a Dad joke: Colonel Corn…mmm… Kernel.

“No more surprises,” she says. You can figure out for yourself why that rule was imposed.

You’re weird, DogDad. But can we plant Milk Bones next year?

92 replies

  1. Tom, only you would have such weird looking veggies! Maybe it’s all that California smog or smoke from raging fires that makes them look like circus sideshow freaks.

    And only you would bring these to our attention Tom. Why? Because you have too damn much time on your hands! You need to start sorting socks and contemplating your navel. You know, do something worthwhile.

    Bravo to Max for looking so good. I agree with Max. Plant Milk Bones next year. Lol.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You may have hit on something (for a change,) Ginger. It could be the smoke from the fires that is corrupting my crops. It certainly corrupted me. Before I started this silly dog blog I was young, innocent and pure as the driven snow. But you guys…sheesh… what an influence.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Funny you should mention about our search history being left for our surviving family members. Every week, I totally clear my browser history and downloads. And I don’t look for the weird stuff–not even with Little Max for scale! I’ll just vanish without a trace…kinda like Superman. ‘Who was that masked man?’ Anyhow, I haven’t had breakfast yet and I really need my coffee… Enjoy your weird veggies.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ya know Lois, I notice you and Ginger always post at the same time. Are you a tag team? Or…wait…I don’t think I’ve ever seen you and Ginger in the same place at the same time…I’m getting suspicious. It’s always a good idea to clear one’s browser although I am sure that every time you do it the engineers at Google go, “Crying out sideways, there go another 7,000 cat photos.”

      Liked by 2 people

      • We probably are posting at the same time. Ginger is Eastern Standard Time, I’m Central Time. You know that saying: it’s 5 o’clock somewhere. Yes, pertains. Don’t bother to look it up. We already deleted our history.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m embarrassed to say how long it took me to savvy on to what a “hosta” was and I’ve planted them. The word just didn’t resonate. I was lost thinking it must be a new street term or some regionalism. Come to think of it, “hosta” sounds like something you might call a pesky neighbor. “That Hosta down the street keeps putting hedgehogs in my Nativity Set,” for example. I assume you maintain a reasonable balance of boy and girl hostas otherwise things could get ugly in the garden.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. HAHAHAHA*snort*!!! 😀 You grow THE bestest veggies! 🙂 I think they sprout just for you because they know they will be appreciated, liked, blogged about, photo-ed, discussed, enjoyed, etc! 😛
    Isn’t that what we all want before we end up in a jar or a stew?!?! 😉 😛
    Max is right…Milk Bones next summer! 😀
    (((HUGS))) 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • This was a really good year for our veggies. We had more than we could use and gave lots to neighbors, too. I wish I knew what we did right so we could repeat it next year but it seems like gardening (mini-farming) is like rolling the dice each time. I know that come January when its nasty out and chilly we’ll be very happy with all the marinara sauce that the AJF out up this summer! And yes, next year…Milk Bones!

      Liked by 1 person

        • The garden stuff was definitely good fun but this year we really missed our usual road trips. We were thinking about a jaunt to Oregon and maybe Montana or perhaps back to our fave Colorado mountains. Turns out a good trip was to CVS or the grocery store. We thought that we’d be able to resume roaming this summer but…bah! Oh well. Does nothing to complain about what you can’t change.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Is that a large tomato or is the Malt that small? Max must have gotten a lot smaller since I am sure your hand isn’t that large! I am not sure what you are putting in the water to get such rude veggies!

    Liked by 1 person

    • +1 for “side johnsons.” Somehow they don’t seem as appetizing as the regular kind. Oh, the reason for the title “Rude Vegetables” is because that is the name of a common meme for these type of produce. I didn’t come up with it on my own – Like Max says, I am well known for having no imagination when it comes to names.


  6. As always, enjoyed your blog … “h”ever so much … and enjoyed the comments!!

    I got to wondering what causes those … protuberances (“Johnsons” ???🤣🤣🤣 *snort*) … so … looked it up. Here’s da link: … so you might be onto somthing with the smoke problems?

    But the part that got me was: Deformed tomatoes may have cracks or splitting, zippering, catfacing, uneven ripening, holes, or spots.

    Wait .. WHAT? “catfacing” … what ever would Max have to say about that??? (And yes, I am tempted to paint one up!!! 😁)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, you’re on to something! Cat-faced tomato art has market potential! Different tomatoes, different cat species…the opportunities are endless. Just imagine – a Sphinx-faced Early Girl! Or a Calico Big Boy! OK, maybe those should be ruled out. That was a good link except it suggests I should pluck the deformed ‘maters and “feed them to the chickens.” Oh, great, now I have to add poultry to the list of crap I have to take care of around here. Grrrr….

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh the mind boggles!!!! But seriously .. chickens … hmmm … I’m pretty sure you could start a whole ‘nother blog about chickens … not a doubt in my mind it would be hilarious!!!!! On second thought … not sure Max would approve … ??? They can be oddly vicious < ~ had to look up the spelling on that one … I had it wrong 😏

        Liked by 1 person

          • Laughing … well, if you’ve ever seen Buddy after one of those walkies where I made the mistake of looking away at the wrong time, a thick and sticky dog could indeed have been chasing you. Perhaps a blog should be written about that? I took pics!!!! 🤣

            Liked by 1 person

    • Well, hi there guys! Thanks for thinking of us, that’s sweet. Max is doing pretty good. He has some difficulties with breathing and his heart rate is irregular but as long as he doesn’t over-exert himself he’s comfy and in good spirits. He is still the most gentle, affectionate little dog and good natured about everything. He misses his long walks, rough housing and chase me-chase you games but he gets more snuggle time on the recliner as a substitution. Hope things are going well with you, yours and Mr. Cooper. It’s fun crossing puns across the various dog blogs. Take care and since it’s Autumn, see if Coops wants some pumpkin spice Milk Bones!

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I see by the above that I’m not the only one stopping in to check on Max and you guys. Glad to be reading your update. I’m sure the recliner snuggles are an excellent substitute for walkies!!! Buddy and I send hugs too!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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