Over the years I have forced Max to wear a variety of humiliating Halloween costumes. Last year’s offering – the homemade Covid virus tee shirt – was perhaps the worst.
I don’t like to rest on my laurels so this year I went the extra measure and enlisted the help of the fine craftspeople at the Greater China Dog Costume and iPhone Manufacturing Plant #43. Products from this fine establishment may be found on Amazon, doncha know.
I selected the “Halloween Variety Pack” because it met my carefully chosen criteria: 1) it had to be really, really cheap, and 2) see #1.
For the affordable sum of $10.19 (including free Prime shipping) I not only helped employ several child laborers in Guagdong but also snagged a genuine clear plastic baggie containing all of this dog-sized goodness:
- a witches hat
- an orange bandanna with bells on the hem
- a vampire cape
- a set of bat wings
The advertising blurb on Amazon made the outfit sound very appealing: “You can dress your pet as a mysterious vampire elf, which would make your pet stand out at the party, they will also be suitable for daily wear for your pet to look cool and charming.”
Hey, I’m not a grammar Nazi, just let it slide, OK?
I suffered mild trepidation in respect of buying the bat wings. I mean, it’s possible these wings were sourced from the Wuhan wet market. Who really knows, right? Here’s what the manufacturer had to say: “The cool bat wing is nice for Halloween, and the pet wearing it will become attractive and eye-catching.”
That’s a bold claim. Yes, your three-legged Pug/Rottweiler mix may look odd now but put those bat wings on Scruffster and he’ll become the Brad Pitt of the doggie set!
I carefully planned my approach to costuming the Malt knowing he would resist mightily. I was pretty sure that he doesn’t like vampire elves and wouldn’t share Amazon’s assessment that his costume is eye-catching, attractive, cool and charming.
The first step was to tire him out with a long walk in the park followed by a quick clean up in the sink.
Then it was time to lure him into his new wardrobe. You can tell from his expression in the photos that he thought the entire exercise was simply delightful. He loved, loved, loved each and every piece. Yes, I do lie on occasion.
Frankly, there were some problems. It seems that Chinese dog garments are sized differently than one might expect in the US. The vampire cape, for example, would have been a perfect for a large rat or perhaps a modestly sized hamster but was tragically too small for our Hero.
However, it was perfect for Max’s favorite hedgehog stuffie.
The bat wings were a tough fit, too. The front closure – a Velcro mockery – was fine but the strap that was supposed to fit around Max’s midsection was about three inches too short. Consequently the bat wings did not stand up as advertised on Amazon. Look at the joy in that canine expression!
I never quite figured out what the bandanna with bells had to do with Halloween save for being orange. I guess the “costume designer” (cough) needed something to complement the color of the pointy witches’ hat and simply gave up on the first try.
Throughout it all Max was a trooper. Despite facial expressions to the contrary, he seemed to enjoy playing dress up. That made me suspicious. “What’s up with you,” I asked. “Well,” he replied “I may look foolish wearing this stuff but at least I don’t have Fall Colors all over my face.”
That’s when I realized that I had forgotten about a recent minor surgery that left me looking like a bike path in Vermont on an autumn day. So colorful!
Turns out I was the one with the stupid Halloween look this year. Well played, Max, well played.
Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha