Gift buying presents unique challenges in 2020. You are probably not comfortable going to the malls. Not just because of your past behavior there – the security camera footage is still on Youtube – but because of the possibility of catching a virus.
Max understands your retail angst. That’s why he has assembled a carefully curated collection of pet-related products sure to delight the lucky recipients!
We start with a device no pet owner should be without – the Pet Petter. How much time have we all wasted stroking our ungrateful little animals when we could be doing more productive things like playing beer pong? With variable speeds up to 85 pats per minute, the Pet Petter is suitable for pets ranging from hamsters to hyenas and is rechargeable, too!
Don’t you think that the small creatures that co-habit with us should actually be contributing to our households and not just leeching on us for food and shelter? Of course you do, Bunky. Here we have the Pet Butler which will facilitate your doggie bringing you the bonbons, caviar and bubbly you so richly deserve. Fits cats, too!
Now, howzabout some practical gift ideas for those among you who eschew the frou frou? Max’s recommendation is for a box of Bacon Scented Dryer Sheets that will transform your home into an olfactory paradise for your canine. Admit it, after being stuck at home for 9 months your abode smells like rotting monkey. Here’s a gift that will solve that problem. Warning: may cause excessive drooling.
If, like me, you have been upgrading the area where your pet does its business (euphemism for “craps”), you may find the Hide ‘n Poo to be a perfect solution to the horror of an unsightly lawn. Mobile, washable and easily reusable. Fits most any dropping, even up to Great Pyrenees. The larger sizes will hold a month’s worth of Maltese poo (euphemism for “crap.”) Made in the USA. The crap, not the gift.
Before we go too far it’s important to note that Max is a very woke dog. He fully supports BLM (Black Labs Matter) and, to a lesser degree, CLM (Cats Lives Matter.) Max has thoughtfully included the Catreer Crystal Ball among his holiday gift assortment. He understands that the littlest kitties may need a paw up when trying to choose a career in life. The manufacturer offers this ironclad guarantee: no more lazy cat!
Puzzles!!! We all love them. It’s a gift that keeps on giving as the recipients struggle to fit all the pieces while calling down the wrath of heaven on whoever gave them this gift. Remove one piece before gifting to add even more humor. Max’s puzzle collection offers something for everyone. Let’s start with the Cat Butt puzzle which will give cat lovers something familiar to focus on while enjoying a nice meal. 500 pieces of hilarity!
Not to be outdone by the felines there is the perennial favorite Pooping Dogs puzzle which can be combined with a Hide ‘n Poo to create a gift that will never be forgotten. 10% discount when bundling these two fine items. Fans of this silly dog blog (both of them!) may recognize Max among the poopin’ dogs.
Finally we have the Freaky Feline puzzle (rated 18+) for your adult friends who somehow get off watching cats get off. If you know what I mean and I’m pretty sure you do. While working on this little dazzler of a puzzle we recommend that you make howling noises at 3AM.
These wonderful gift ideas cover almost all the bases but I had to ask Max if he had any thoughts on what might be a good gift for someone like me. Of course, the Malt came through, as he always does. He said he’s going to get me the Beer Beard along with a new pair of cargo shorts. I am simply thrilled.
For the doubters among you, these items are all available on Amazon. Really, they are. I don’t care if you don’t believe me. Neener, neener, neener. Look them up yourself. So there. Fine.
Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha