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Max’s Holiday Gift Guide

Gift buying presents unique challenges in 2020. You are probably not comfortable going to the malls. Not just because of your past behavior there – the security camera footage is still on Youtube – but because of the possibility of catching a virus.

Max understands your retail angst. That’s why he has assembled a carefully curated collection of pet-related products sure to delight the lucky recipients!

We start with a device no pet owner should be without – the Pet Petter. How much time have we all wasted stroking our ungrateful little animals when we could be doing more productive things like playing beer pong? With variable speeds up to 85 pats per minute, the Pet Petter is suitable for pets ranging from hamsters to hyenas and is rechargeable, too!

Don’t you think that the small creatures that co-habit with us should actually be contributing to our households and not just leeching on us for food and shelter? Of course you do, Bunky. Here we have the Pet Butler which will facilitate your doggie bringing you the bonbons, caviar and bubbly you so richly deserve. Fits cats, too!

Now, howzabout some practical gift ideas for those among you who eschew the frou frou? Max’s recommendation is for a box of Bacon Scented Dryer Sheets that will transform your home into an olfactory paradise for your canine. Admit it, after being stuck at home for 9 months your abode smells like rotting monkey. Here’s a gift that will solve that problem. Warning: may cause excessive drooling.

If, like me, you have been upgrading the area where your pet does its business (euphemism for “craps”), you may find the Hide ‘n Poo to be a perfect solution to the horror of an unsightly lawn. Mobile, washable and easily reusable. Fits most any dropping, even up to Great Pyrenees. The larger sizes will hold a month’s worth of Maltese poo (euphemism for “crap.”) Made in the USA. The crap, not the gift.

Before we go too far it’s important to note that Max is a very woke dog. He fully supports BLM (Black Labs Matter) and, to a lesser degree, CLM (Cats Lives Matter.) Max has thoughtfully included the Catreer Crystal Ball among his holiday gift assortment. He understands that the littlest kitties may need a paw up when trying to choose a career in life. The manufacturer offers this ironclad guarantee: no more lazy cat!

Puzzles!!! We all love them. It’s a gift that keeps on giving as the recipients struggle to fit all the pieces while calling down the wrath of heaven on whoever gave them this gift. Remove one piece before gifting to add even more humor. Max’s puzzle collection offers something for everyone. Let’s start with the Cat Butt puzzle which will give cat lovers something familiar to focus on while enjoying a nice meal. 500 pieces of hilarity!

Not to be outdone by the felines there is the perennial favorite Pooping Dogs puzzle which can be combined with a Hide ‘n Poo to create a gift that will never be forgotten. 10% discount when bundling these two fine items. Fans of this silly dog blog (both of them!) may recognize Max among the poopin’ dogs.

Finally we have the Freaky Feline puzzle (rated 18+) for your adult friends who somehow get off watching cats get off. If you know what I mean and I’m pretty sure you do. While working on this little dazzler of a puzzle we recommend that you make howling noises at 3AM.

These wonderful gift ideas cover almost all the bases but I had to ask Max if he had any thoughts on what might be a good gift for someone like me. Of course, the Malt came through, as he always does. He said he’s going to get me the Beer Beard along with a new pair of cargo shorts. I am simply thrilled.

For the doubters among you, these items are all available on Amazon. Really, they are. I don’t care if you don’t believe me. Neener, neener, neener. Look them up yourself. So there. Fine.

Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha

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59 replies ›

    • Max hopes that he is does not go viral. He’s afraid of all viruses. At first I thought you said you “sharted it” and that made a lot of sense. Most of what appears in this silly dog blog is sharted one way or another.

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  5. OMG Tom, I’m laughing so hard it seems “tears” are running down my legs. 😳 Showed it to Murphy and she seemed interested in a couple of the gifts. Over my dead body!

    It’s a joy to see your sense of humor at work, weird though it is. I don’t think Max wants to find any of these beneath the Christmas tree with his name on it!

    Your posts never disappoint.
    Ginger

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  6. Miss Murphy was no doubt sniffing the dog pooping calendar. That one seems the most interesting to our canine friends. You could do a lot worse than snagging a Hide ‘n Poo or two, Ginger. For those chilly days when you don’t want to do lawn patrol. I know some folks who would use them so often that their yard looks like the Rocky Mountains.

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  7. I feel like sharing this with friends so that I go down a few grades in levels of lunacy in their eyes…

    I am intrigued by the turd cover….are you supposed to go back later and uncover the item or do you leave it until the item disintegrates? Come to that, am I now sure that those pebbles on your patio are not Malt sized turd covers?

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    • Please feel to share this post. Just recognize that it’s your reputation that will ultimately be destroyed. With respect to the Hide ‘n Poo, the manufacturers are not judgmental. You may use the device in whatever manner pleases you. Your neighbours (note addition of extraneous “u”) will likely be happier if you adopt a somewhat disciplined program for waste removal. However, inasmuch as you have eight – wait, is it officially nine now? – dogs, you may want to explore a bulk discount on the covers. Perhaps a container load.

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      • Dung beetles seem to sort out whatever I miss with the shovel….but I still await a denial on the nature of the pebbles on your patio.
        If I ever had a reputation it went west years ago…..but tattered remants rest still – until I post this Christmas present scenario.
        We now, thanks to the arrival of a French bulldog puppy, have ten recognised inmates and one lodger….I think they should give me truck load for publicity value. Leo reckons to use the things loaded in a slingshot to attack the neighbours.

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        • What? So essentially you are saying that you now have ELEVEN!!! dogs under your care? I’m calling for a welfare check at the finca – you must have had hallucinations recently. Have you established a dog fostering business? Running a canine rescue service? Oh. My. Dog. I’ll have to look on Amazon and Ebay and see if I can find an industrial size poo remover although the slingshot idea does have merit. I categorically deny that Max’s pebbles are anything other than what the quarry called them: 100% 1/2 inch Arizona River Rock. Appearances can be deceiving. For example, you appeared completely normal until we herd about eleven dogs.

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  10. Where to even start with this post??!!! Bacon sheets…..kinda like ‘pigs in a blanket’ right? The Cat Butt puzzle…..having had only one male cat (dear Teemu), upon further investigation my neighbor and I realized we were wrong to call White Paws ‘princess White Paws.’ And, of course, the Catreer Crystal Ball. Whew. I sure hope these don’t all sell out before I place my order. Max, you have outdone yourself this year.

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  11. OMG. When I recover from my laughing fit I may just head to Amazon for a cat butt puzzle for my dear Bear. He will be delighted! And the beard – yes, we must have the beard. Dearest Max, thank you so much for all the wonderful ideas! Now, what are you getting from Santa Paws?

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    • Max is always pleased to provide a public service. He spends way too much time online anyway. I’m not sure what he will get for Christmas but I know he has definitely ruled out any dog costumes. On the other hand, I haven’t ruled that out, so we’ll see. End of day I suspect FOOD will be the winning gift, as always.

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        • Oh no. I know without looking that kind of custom doggo treat is going to carry a hefty price tag and I don’t want him spoiled. Plain old Milk Bone in the econo-jumbo box is just fine, thank you very much. I made that mistake once before when we introduced him to the Hawaii Dog Bakery and its delightful products which darn near bankrupted me. Max will chew on a dead bird if he gets the chance; he doesn’t require the escargot of dog treats.

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            • Don’t let those little 4 oz. bags make you think the product is inexpensive. It works out to $20 – $27 a pound per Gracie’s very nice website. I note that the AJF and I wait for ribeye steaks to go on sale for $6.99 a pound before we buy them because the regular $9.99/lb. is too expensive. Then I look at Monsieur Le Malt and ask – how come your meat goes for almost 4x a pound more than mine when I’m paying? Huh? Huh? Of course Maverick will defend Gracies as a bargain – he is personally invested in maintaining a regular supply. Good thing he lives at the Miss Moneybags household instead of he Cheap Old Grouchy Bastard household. 😂

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  12. Thank you, Max!!!! Now I don’t have to ponder what to buy! Now I know EXACTLY what my family and friends will be receiving from me this Christmas!!! 😀
    Cooper loves kitty cats so I’ll get him the Freaky Felines Puzzle! 😛
    Speaking of Cooper…it’s about time he busted his hump and earned his keep**…so I’ll get the Pet Butler! 🙂
    Thanks for laughs! I must now go…I need to change my pantaloons. For some reason, they are more-than-damp. 😮 😀
    (((HUGS))) 😀
    ** quote from movie Uncle Buck.

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  14. Well, they say necessity is the mother of invention. But I don’t think necessity played a role in any of these ideas. Who doesn’t like the smell of bacon, though? I have noticed cat butt themes for the past decade or so, including stickers and magnets and the like. It’s hard not to buy them for my very limited crazy cat friends. Thankfully, you are not a crazy cat person. Give your woke dog a pet from me, or at least from the machine.

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    • Did you what it said on the side of the Bacon Dryer Sheet box? “You’ll swear your laundry just came out of the frying pan!” Now, that’s a logo we can support! I, too, fail to see the charm in cat butt. Plus, the felines seem to love shoving it into your face which doesn’t thrill me, either. At least the doggos just do that scooting thing on the carpet which is unpleasant enough. I’ll put Max under the Pet Petter at about 65/ppm and let him know the attention was from you.

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    • I only recently discovered that the <alt was an Amazon shareholder. I should have disclosed this potential conflict of interest. In fairness, he kept mumbling about "boosting the dividends" but I wasn't paying close enough attention. Buyer beware.

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  19. 😂 I love it. It seems like you should have at least been awarded a PhD in Animal Centred Happiness after the in depth and ground breaking research you have carried out in this field. I would just love to see your Google History….😁

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All comments are welcome, so speak! Speak! Good dog.

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