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Max’s Halloween Variety Pack

Over the years I have forced Max to wear a variety of humiliating Halloween costumes. Last year’s offering – the homemade Covid virus tee shirt – was perhaps the worst.

I don’t like to rest on my laurels so this year I went the extra measure and enlisted the help of the fine craftspeople at the Greater China Dog Costume and iPhone Manufacturing Plant #43. Products from this fine establishment may be found on Amazon, doncha know.

I selected the “Halloween Variety Pack” because it met my carefully chosen criteria: 1) it had to be really, really cheap, and 2) see #1.

It looked good on the Amazon site.

For the affordable sum of $10.19 (including free Prime shipping) I not only helped employ several child laborers in Guagdong but also snagged a genuine clear plastic baggie containing all of this dog-sized goodness:

  • a witches hat
  • an orange bandanna with bells on the hem
  • a vampire cape
  • a set of bat wings
I do not want to do this.

The advertising blurb on Amazon made the outfit sound very appealing: “You can dress your pet as a mysterious vampire elf, which would make your pet stand out at the party, they will also be suitable for daily wear for your pet to look cool and charming.”

Hey, I’m not a grammar Nazi, just let it slide, OK?

I suffered mild trepidation in respect of buying the bat wings. I mean, it’s possible these wings were sourced from the Wuhan wet market. Who really knows, right? Here’s what the manufacturer had to say: “The cool bat wing is nice for Halloween, and the pet wearing it will become attractive and eye-catching.”

In the Amazon photo the cape would fit a Labrador.

That’s a bold claim. Yes, your three-legged Pug/Rottweiler mix may look odd now but put those bat wings on Scruffster and he’ll become the Brad Pitt of the doggie set!

I carefully planned my approach to costuming the Malt knowing he would resist mightily. I was pretty sure that he doesn’t like vampire elves and wouldn’t share Amazon’s assessment that his costume is eye-catching, attractive, cool and charming.

The first step was to tire him out with a long walk in the park followed by a quick clean up in the sink.

Innocent victim walking in the park.
Can a dog get a little privacy, please?

Then it was time to lure him into his new wardrobe. You can tell from his expression in the photos that he thought the entire exercise was simply delightful. He loved, loved, loved each and every piece. Yes, I do lie on occasion.

Frankly, there were some problems. It seems that Chinese dog garments are sized differently than one might expect in the US. The vampire cape, for example, would have been a perfect for a large rat or perhaps a modestly sized hamster but was tragically too small for our Hero.

Please let me go now.

However, it was perfect for Max’s favorite hedgehog stuffie.

Lookin’ good, Hedgie.

The bat wings were a tough fit, too. The front closure – a Velcro mockery – was fine but the strap that was supposed to fit around Max’s midsection was about three inches too short. Consequently the bat wings did not stand up as advertised on Amazon. Look at the joy in that canine expression!

Look at that expression of happiness!

I never quite figured out what the bandanna with bells had to do with Halloween save for being orange. I guess the “costume designer” (cough) needed something to complement the color of the pointy witches’ hat and simply gave up on the first try.

What did I do to deserve this?

Throughout it all Max was a trooper. Despite facial expressions to the contrary, he seemed to enjoy playing dress up. That made me suspicious. “What’s up with you,” I asked. “Well,” he replied “I may look foolish wearing this stuff but at least I don’t have Fall Colors all over my face.”

That’s when I realized that I had forgotten about a recent minor surgery that left me looking like a bike path in Vermont on an autumn day. So colorful!

Perfect to scare kids at Halloween!

Turns out I was the one with the stupid Halloween look this year. Well played, Max, well played.

Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha

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56 replies ›

  1. 😂😂😂 I feel your pain Max…mom is always trying to dress me up for the holidays….at least she recognizes my death stare and provides ample treats to help…hope you got something yummy for all that torture! Happy Halloween 👻

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    • At maybe 13.5 pounds, Max’s death stare is less than intimidating. He has always been tolerant of my strange penchant for dressing him in silly costumes. He has a big box of his clothing “props” collected over the years. But, yes, there were treats involved! Boo!

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    • I wonder sometimes what runs through his little apple shaped head when he’s required to don a costume or human garb. His look says, “There’s something very wrong with you” but he puts up with the indignity.

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    • Former Hedgies were secretly infiltrated into the neighbor’s Nativity sets so the fate of the current Hedgie is unclear. Max would be very happy indeed if he never had to put on another costume. But wait…this is just the beginning of costume season!

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  4. Max, you are indeed a trooper. DogDad, on the other hand, is bonkers! As always, no matter what that crazy man dresses you up in, you pull it off with dignity and style! DogDad could learn a lot from you.

    Tom, you are definitely bonkers, but this year you were tame. Max has proven to be the Champion Costume Wearer so we have to give you some credit since you provide the costumes.

    You’re right about your healing surgical sight embracing the fall colors. The stitches, soon to be scar (!), make you look like you could join the StarTrek cast. I gotta say though, that incision is scarily close to your eye. Yikes! Hope the healing process is quick and uneventful. 😷🤕🤒💉
    Ginger

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    • I agree – this year’s costume was pretty tame. I should have started my planning earlier but I was lazy and then got wrapped up in a bunch of other things. It was a busy October. Max is indeed a trooper and always willing to trade dignity for food whereas I require beer as an exchange for my dignity, what little remains. No worries about the small cut, stitches out tomorrow and the lovely colors will be gone within a few days.

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  5. I thought they were operating on the other end of you….what happened? Did you gve in to temptation and make a remark or two? Turn round on the operating table? Forget to bribe the surgeon? Mention that India are not doing well in the Cricket T20 World Cup?
    The combination of Amazon and Chinese manufacture was never going to end well…except that
    Hedgie has taken on a new persona which should frighten the bejazus out of the other occupants of the crib this year.
    Max is a tolerant soul…you can see him thinking ‘ Well, if it keeps him out of the pubs…’

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    • I thought they were operating on the other end of you….what happened?
      ¿Porque no los dos? I didn’t do a good job of scheduling in October. I thought I’d be smart and wrap all upcoming tests and procedures into one month and get everything done. Instead it just jammed up my plans. Thing is, except for the little surgery it was all just maintenance and follow-up stuff, annual check-ups and such, but they took a lot of time. Sir Hedgie’s future is uncertain this year. I doubt I can pull off the Nativity scene caper again; the neighbor has caught on to my antics. Hedgie may become my version of “Elf on a Shelf” and we’ll see what compromising positions we can think up for the hedgehog.

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  6. Ya know, Helen….it makes you wonder, I mean with Tom being Tom, if the ‘other end’ would have been photographed, for posterity sake (dontcha love a good pun?).
    Hedgie looks adorable. Max looks less enthused, but I don’t know that this beats last years costume. What in the heck size are Chinese dogs??

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  7. I think Max is a good sport, considering what you’ve put him through. Nonetheless, all this regalia did make me smile. This was Enzo’s first Halloween. He was very disturbed that all of those weird creatures coming to the door were not the least interested in him (“Pet me! Adore me! Tell me what a fine boy I am!”).. Consequently, Halloween was a bit of a scrum for him.

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    • Wait a minute. You didn’t dress up your Malt for Halloween? I think that counts as a major offense in Dog World. Enzo is so darn cute – he definitely needs to wear a costume. Besides this is a major opportunity to strip Enzo of that superior attitude that Malts love to adopt. Nothing like a cowboy or pirate or…squirrel!!…costume to humble a sassy Maltese.

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  9. Are you sure that the AJF didn’t clock you? Maverick nailed me once, head met cheek bone, two days later the Bear told me to put some makeup on that because he feared getting arrested. Dear Maxwell, you are a trooper. The Dogdad, on the other hand……….. shall I send Maverick to rescue you?

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  10. I’ve been going door to door around the neighborhood, pointing to my face and telling anyone who will listen that the Fall Colors were the product of an angry Japanese female. No one believes me. Sent photos to the kids too but they are too wiley to fall for that baloney. Maybe it’s the size disparity – she’d have to grow a foot and put on 100 pounds to wrassle me down and beat me as she probably would like to do. Max likes the idea of enlisting fellow dogs to have some mostly peaceful protests against owners who persist in costuming the pups.

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  11. Well played indeed, Max!!!
    HA! I snort-laughed! 😀 No, not at your poor sore face. 😦 No, not at Max’s perturbedness at you making him wear costumes AND sharing his private bath photos. 😦
    I laughed at the costumes descriptions and what you said in comment about them! 😀
    I’m sure Max is saying to all of us, “He’s my Dad. Gotta’ love him!” 😀
    Thanks for the hearty snorty laughs on the Monday eve! 😀
    (((HUGS))) and hope your owie heals nicely.
    PATS and RIBS…er…RUBS for Max! 😀

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    • Max sends a big mahalo and aloha! He used to explore the beaches near you for years before moving to Cali. But his all time favorites were Sandy’s and Mokuleia. He enjoys seeing his familiar spots on your blog!

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  13. Max – Bruce and Julia have been so busy they haven’t had time to let me read about your Halloween costumes until today. When my dog dad washes me, I look really unhappy. You didn’t look unhappy at all being washed. I really felt for you, having to pose with those silly costumes your dog dad bought! Take care, Nox 🐕‍🦺

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  14. Goodness, I am so tardy to the party. I don’t know how I miss things. I can literally see the weight of cringe upon Max in these ensembles. I had never heard of a vampire elf before. I already had strong opinions about china, but you’ve just reinforced them all and made new ones. I thought Max was small enough, but I guess he would be gargantuan there. Also, you may say your bruises are autumnal, but I contend that your face is more Christmassy, as it appears as though you have two eyes made out of coal, like Frosty The Snowman.

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    • It’s been so long the bruises are gone. Turns out the red in the eyes is from the Jack, not the surgery. Who knew? Anyway you’re right…Max hates the costumes but is so mild that he doesn’t mount much of a protest.

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  15. Well, there’s not been anything dull in your days these last few months. That’s for sure. I have never seen an apple pie so tall as that one. I can’t even imagine how many apples lost their lives in the building of it 😄. A belated but very Happy 14th to Max! He doesn’t look a day over 10 😉. Those are quite the “fall colors” you have there on your eye. You went to a lot of trouble to get a good Halloween costume this year. Hope it paid off in yummy treats and libations and an eye that is far more dependable in not tearing up at all the right moments. Most of all, I’m very glad that Max is doing ok. My thoughts are with you all for lots and lots of wonderful times ahead together. ✨🐾

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