Well, it’s December 1st and you know what that means! Yes,despite popular demand and outright pleading we are back with Max’s carefully curated Top Ten Gift Ideas for Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa or Whatever.
- Godzilla Underwear for Men
A personal favorite and tops on my Santa wish list. These gorgeous men’s boxer shorts are made with devotion by skilled Bangladeshis using not the finest but still pretty darn good, near virgin polyester. Each pair is dyed by small children with colorful fingers and the colors are guaranteed as durable as a 700 rupee madras shirt. Wear one of these beauties and the jokes write themselves. Pack a monster in your shorts, guys! A real fire breather if you know what I mean and I think you do, wink, wink.
- Fish Slippers
“Angling” for something different? Snorf. Give your favorite fisherfolk a warm and comfy pair of fish slippers. Ignore the distinctive smell and focus instead on the talented portrayal of a finned creature gasping for its last breath of air whilst you cha-cha-cha around the campsite. Available in multiples species – bass, catfish, piranha, tilapia and Mrs. Pauls – to meet most any desire. You won’t need to “troll” for compliments when you sport a pair of these fishy loafers. Snorf.
- Gender Reassignment Kit
Recently approved by the CDC, FDA, WTF and LOL, this scientific-based kit allows the lucky recipient to launch a whole new life with a whole new gender. Just look at the cover of this package and marvel in what Taylor Swift was able to accomplish using this fantastic new option to the usual boring at-birth gender assignment. Tay-Tay’s sure to be singing Tennessee Ernie Ford songs now! Think of the possibilities! Perhaps you too can position yourself to win a gold medal in the next Olympics just by changing those pesky old chromosomes. Available as M to F or F to M.
- Pet Talk Translator
Ever wonder what your darling little pet is saying when it barks, chirps or meows to you? Of course you do, Bunky. Now, through the miracle of fine Chinese electronics, a product is available to translate animal speech to human speech! Ask your dog why he puked on the carpet. Ask your cat about that unfortunate hairball incident. Listen and marvel when you invite your pet for a walk and she tells you to go pound sand. But use caution with this item: remember that your pet can extort special treats and privileges leveraging the threat of telling the neighbors what you said about them behind their backs. Note: does not work on fish.
- Automatic Cat Wash
Enough with the lickey, lickey, lickey Mr. Chubbles! If you know someone who is tired of their feline pal constantly licking itself but far too lazy and cheap to arrange a grooming, then we have the perfect gift solution: the automatic cat wash. This device features an automatic tail fluffer and 4 settings from gentle spray to Cat 5 (snorf) hurricane. Soap dispenser is available as a separate option along with armored clothing to protect the operator from the fury of a wet cat.
- Man’s Fashion Shirt
OK Ladies, we know you’ve been searching for some garments to upgrade your man’s wardrobe but not change him too much. Here’s your answer! This pullover combines the best parts of hubby from his tasteful tats to the peek-a-boo belly button as he rocks the beer gut. A seasonal flair is provided with the addition of a Xmas vest. A faux gold chain and an I Love Cookies button complete the ensemble. Available in a variety of sizes, all of which are guaranteed to almost but not quite fit!
- Wine Nanny
Let’s face it – this pandemic stuff has been tough and we all have been nipping at the sauce a little more than usual. So instead of fighting the demons, give in and get yourself a Wine Nanny that takes all the effort out of getting and maintaining a really good slosh. Available as either an intravenous drip or oral delivery system. Both versions come with the new Wine Nanny app for iPhone and Android that takes the guesswork out of estimating how much booze per hour is ideal in different settings.
- Crib Dribbler
From the same fine corporate overlord that makes Wine Nanny comes Crib Dribbler, a hydrating idea whose time has arrived. Children can just be so damn inconvenient, amirite? Is little Theodore becoming a major pain always demanding something to drink? Well, fret no more, Mom, just install a Crib Dribbler and let that giant fluid tank water the Little Annoyance all on its own whilst you sit back, relax, eat bonbons and watch the Young & Restless. You also get a book of helpful hints including how to spike the tank with scotch during those difficult teething times.
- Pet Sweep
Your dog has loafed enough. It’s time to put Fido to work keeping the dust off the floors and picking up all that disgusting fur. Includes 4 adjustable foot pads, each specially treated to attract and collect all the crap that’s on your floor, you lazy pet owner. No judgment. We suggest you add a tennis ball to motivate Rover to dash about and get those floors spotless before hubby comes home and finds you plastered again and snoozing on the dirty linoleum. No judgment.
- Moon Ring
The original and still greatest Moon Ring. An instant classic back when it was first presented, our Moon Ring comes in a velveteen box (made from rabbits of the same name) and has just enough precious metal plating so as not to rot your finger. The anatomically correct derrière is positioned in what trained Yogis call the “Firing Position” and the cute little butt releases a loud, but not too loud, “poot!” when the box is opened. This is not the cheap, silent-but-deadly ring sold by other dealers! Each ring has been tuned to E-Flat Major, to best project the sound. Now that’s $30 bucks well spent!
Well gang, that’s it for Max’s gift suggestions for 2021. I sure Santa brings me those snazzy Godzilla boxers. As usual, almost all these goodies are available from Amazon except the Godzillas shorts which Max found at Kinokuniya, the Japanese book store. Order now for delivery by Xmas, Chanukah, Kwanza or Whatever.
Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha