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Max’s Top 10 Gift List

Well, it’s December 1st and you know what that means! Yes,despite popular demand and outright pleading we are back with Max’s carefully curated Top Ten Gift Ideas for Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa or Whatever.

“Oh no, please tell me we are not doing this again.”
  1. Godzilla Underwear for Men

A personal favorite and tops on my Santa wish list. These gorgeous men’s boxer shorts are made with devotion by skilled Bangladeshis using not the finest but still pretty darn good, near virgin polyester. Each pair is dyed by small children with colorful fingers and the colors are guaranteed as durable as a 700 rupee madras shirt. Wear one of these beauties and the jokes write themselves. Pack a monster in your shorts, guys! A real fire breather if you know what I mean and I think you do, wink, wink.

  1. Fish Slippers

“Angling” for something different? Snorf. Give your favorite fisherfolk a warm and comfy pair of fish slippers. Ignore the distinctive smell and focus instead on the talented portrayal of a finned creature gasping for its last breath of air whilst you cha-cha-cha around the campsite. Available in multiples species – bass, catfish, piranha, tilapia and Mrs. Pauls – to meet most any desire. You won’t need to “troll” for compliments when you sport a pair of these fishy loafers. Snorf.

  1. Gender Reassignment Kit

Recently approved by the CDC, FDA, WTF and LOL, this scientific-based kit allows the lucky recipient to launch a whole new life with a whole new gender. Just look at the cover of this package and marvel in what Taylor Swift was able to accomplish using this fantastic new option to the usual boring at-birth gender assignment. Tay-Tay’s sure to be singing Tennessee Ernie Ford songs now! Think of the possibilities! Perhaps you too can position yourself to win a gold medal in the next Olympics just by changing those pesky old chromosomes. Available as M to F or F to M.

  1. Pet Talk Translator

Ever wonder what your darling little pet is saying when it barks, chirps or meows to you? Of course you do, Bunky. Now, through the miracle of fine Chinese electronics, a product is available to translate animal speech to human speech! Ask your dog why he puked on the carpet. Ask your cat about that unfortunate hairball incident. Listen and marvel when you invite your pet for a walk and she tells you to go pound sand. But use caution with this item: remember that your pet can extort special treats and privileges leveraging the threat of telling the neighbors what you said about them behind their backs. Note: does not work on fish.

  1. Automatic Cat Wash

Enough with the lickey, lickey, lickey Mr. Chubbles! If you know someone who is tired of their feline pal constantly licking itself but far too lazy and cheap to arrange a grooming, then we have the perfect gift solution: the automatic cat wash. This device features an automatic tail fluffer and 4 settings from gentle spray to Cat 5 (snorf) hurricane. Soap dispenser is available as a separate option along with armored clothing to protect the operator from the fury of a wet cat.

  1. Man’s Fashion Shirt

OK Ladies, we know you’ve been searching for some garments to upgrade your man’s wardrobe but not change him too much. Here’s your answer! This pullover combines the best parts of hubby from his tasteful tats to the peek-a-boo belly button as he rocks the beer gut. A seasonal flair is provided with the addition of a Xmas vest. A faux gold chain and an I Love Cookies button complete the ensemble. Available in a variety of sizes, all of which are guaranteed to almost but not quite fit!

  1. Wine Nanny

Let’s face it – this pandemic stuff has been tough and we all have been nipping at the sauce a little more than usual. So instead of fighting the demons, give in and get yourself a Wine Nanny that takes all the effort out of getting and maintaining a really good slosh. Available as either an intravenous drip or oral delivery system. Both versions come with the new Wine Nanny app for iPhone and Android that takes the guesswork out of estimating how much booze per hour is ideal in different settings.

  1. Crib Dribbler

From the same fine corporate overlord that makes Wine Nanny comes Crib Dribbler, a hydrating idea whose time has arrived. Children can just be so damn inconvenient, amirite? Is little Theodore becoming a major pain always demanding something to drink? Well, fret no more, Mom, just install a Crib Dribbler and let that giant fluid tank water the Little Annoyance all on its own whilst you sit back, relax, eat bonbons and watch the Young & Restless. You also get a book of helpful hints including how to spike the tank with scotch during those difficult teething times.

  1. Pet Sweep

Your dog has loafed enough. It’s time to put Fido to work keeping the dust off the floors and picking up all that disgusting fur. Includes 4 adjustable foot pads, each specially treated to attract and collect all the crap that’s on your floor, you lazy pet owner. No judgment. We suggest you add a tennis ball to motivate Rover to dash about and get those floors spotless before hubby comes home and finds you plastered again and snoozing on the dirty linoleum. No judgment.

  1. Moon Ring

The original and still greatest Moon Ring. An instant classic back when it was first presented, our Moon Ring comes in a velveteen box (made from rabbits of the same name) and has just enough precious metal plating so as not to rot your finger. The anatomically correct derrière is positioned in what trained Yogis call the “Firing Position” and the cute little butt releases a loud, but not too loud, “poot!” when the box is opened. This is not the cheap, silent-but-deadly ring sold by other dealers! Each ring has been tuned to E-Flat Major, to best project the sound. Now that’s $30 bucks well spent!

Well gang, that’s it for Max’s gift suggestions for 2021. I sure Santa brings me those snazzy Godzilla boxers. As usual, almost all these goodies are available from Amazon except the Godzillas shorts which Max found at Kinokuniya, the Japanese book store. Order now for delivery by Xmas, Chanukah, Kwanza or Whatever.

“I am too embarrassed to live.”

Categories: The Dog From Rancho Cucaracha

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74 replies ›

  2. I want it all! I want it now! No cat here, no child, no boyfriend. I was somehow assigned my preferred gender right from the gitgo and I would never actually choose an intravenous drip over the pleasure of guzzling the real thing. So, apart from those Godzilla shorts, which I would totally keep, I can only imagine the delighted laughter of my dear family as they gaze upon their gifts, these inspired offerings. So, I wonder, who should get the gender reassignment ???

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    • I think M. Jacques could gainfully employ a set of those paw sweepers as he races up and down that great staircase you have. Just keep him out of the garden area or the pet sweeps will forever be in the laundry.

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    • It’s a public service that the Malt likes to provide. Well, he doesn’t actually like to do it but he has no choice in the matter. Remember most of these fine products are available from the miracle that is Amazon Prime.

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    • What? What? You doubt the authenticity of this list? You question its provenance? How dare you, keeper of Bassett hounds, to cast aspersions about the Malt’s ability to produce a shopping list of fine items. Shocked, shocked I tell you. 😲

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  6. I’m intrigued by the pet duster things. That would work great with Chester! I know it! But there is no clothing that would protect a person bathing a cat in hurricane force water. I know from experience. You know the scene from the exorcist where she climbs the wall? And that was without the bather. Now the crib dribbler…just wrong. Unlike all the others. Good selection Max!

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    • The sweepers would indeed work for Chester but first you’d have to activate him off the couch and then motivate him to continue moving around. It’s not certain those are attainable goals. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be the product tester for the cat wash; way too dangerous an occupation. I wish I had had the Crib Dribbler when the spawn were small. Might have gotten more sleep. Nowadays if I gave them one the dribblers they’d fill it full of tequila and party all night, not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you.

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  7. Max you are a genius! You must’ve been researching this for weeks. I’m giving my husband the Godzilla shorts because I want to see a monster in his shorts once before I die! 🤪

    You could sell a comb and brush to a bald man. Your list includes something for everyone. You outdid yourself.

    Ummmm, please don’t let DogDad get near the Gender Reassignment Starter Kit ….imagine him as a woman going through menopause!
    Ginger

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    • Uh, Ginger, that part about the hubby…uh, a little too much information there. 😁 No fears about me seeking a gender reassignment. I am quite happy to have been born the way I am although I wouldn’t mind being a few pounds lighter.

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  8. I know you will do anything to avoid Googling the boar’s head, but you excelled yourself here! That wine nanny would have been invaluable for the summer visitors when we lived in France.
    I think I should order the Godzilla underpants for Leo and leave them where the cleaner can see them……

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  10. I cannot stop laughing! Everyone of these…so darn funny! Ooh, the Man’s Fashion Shirt or the Godzilla Underwear? I guess I’ll just have to toddle around in my Fish Feet and make my decision.

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      • Your fish feet are mackerels. Brined mackerels and don’t deny it. Got to use up Leo’s inventory somehow. But a pair would be excellent for Danilo. Also, the Pet Translator has an English–>Costa Rican Spanish–>French module for all your language needs.

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          • There is a separate accessory pack available that removes the language filter and permits the kind of vulgar expressions that dog simply adore. A small extra fee is involved. I don’t think the slippers will encourage Leo to swim. I think he’ll sit on the recliner with his feet up admiring the detailed workmanship in each mackerel bootie.

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    • So many choices! I thought of you and the hubster when I saw the fish slippers. That would be perfect for a fisherman like him and he would be the envy of his angler buddies. I also thought the Cat Wash would work around your house. Clean garage cats are more often allowed to become indoor cats, just sayin’. I don’t recommend the Fashion Shirt for you, Lois. Even in Florida that would be beyond the limits of good taste for you. Now, in Jersey…

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  11. As soon as I saw the title of this post, I grabbed my phone, opened up the Amazon app, and started choosing recipients for these awesome gifts! Now, if you could just send your address and credit card information, that would be great!

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    • Ewwwww…used underwear. Look, I don’t want to get all judgey and such but really, you need to up your bird game. You do know that Godzilla’s fire doesn’t just come out of his mouth, right?

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  15. Thank you, Max!! My Christmas shopping is done and there’s something for everyone! 😂. I think I’ll wrap them up and make people choose numbers for them. That way the goodness is shared fairly. 😄

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  16. HAHAHAHA*snort*snort*snort*HAHAHAHA!!! 😀
    What great gifts! Thanks, Max! Now I don’t have to hurt my pea-brain further trying to come up with gifts for certain people in my life! You’ve done all the work for me! 😛
    I especially like #’s 1, 6, 9, and 10! I think #’s 1 and 6 would go well together! A great outfit for any man to wear to Christmas Eve at his In-Laws house! 😀
    Coop says he doesn’t like #9 …says he already does enough work around the joint!
    (((HUGS)))
    PATS and RUBS to Max! 🙂

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  18. (Googling to see if slippers come in Van de Kamp’s because they don’t have fillers). The network Christmas specials have been lame lately, but they could really amp it up with Tay-Tay singing 16 Tons in a rich baritone, with some flashy choreography. Yay, gender mutilation! And speaking of pets, why can’t China come up with a spouse translator collar? They can make a deadly virus with umpteen variants, but they’re limited to beagle and Siamese collars? Do dogs speak in colloquialisms? Do they know more urban slang than I? Now, about that Pet Sweep—do you toss it in the laundry when it’s full of hair? That would be daily. And wouldn’t it leave fur all inside your washer? Plus, how would my dog neurotically chew on her toenails? So many questions.

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    • Whoa, that’s a lot to unpack! I know that dogs know more urban slang than I do simply because I know so little that I constantly goog the Urban Dictionary to figure out what the Kool Kids are saying, most of which is shocking to my ancient ears. I didn’t read all the Pet Sweep instructions but I think you are supposed to shake them outside during a brisk wind that blows the dog hair to your neighbor’s yard. As for Tay Tay, I am one of the apparently very few human beings on Earth who is adverse to her music and so would welcome a gender change just for giggles.

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  19. For a minute I thought I had wandered onto one of Trump’s ‘Make America Great Again’ sites.
    Put a picture of the clown on each item and millions will buy them.
    As for me, sadly my buying is done for this year, so no more wandering around charitys hops and second hand junk stalls for presents.
    The men who run Scottish football might be interested in the Gender Bending Box, though most of them appear to be half way there already…

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  22. Max, you’re excelled yourself here, but you’re missing out on a men’s Aussie classic – the Y Jockey Y fronts https://www.harrisscarfe.com.au/men/men-underwear-sleepwear/mu-underwear/jockey-classic-y-front-brief-3-pack/107960005?utm_medium=organic&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=feed_clicks&utm_content=shopping_listings&gclid=CjwKCAiAiKuOBhBQEiwAId_sK3iH-rh7B-qeHCIHOV0xuUZ7aIZ-cIdAgvmYppcVLhRpcX7Drx33mRoCqdIQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
    Hope the link works.
    I wish I’d seen these before Christmas. The family would’ve been very entertained.
    Best wishes,
    Rowena

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